yeah its ok my friend please forgive me i apologise for my misconduct ...
i will tell the al community a love story shaded by time , coloured in by experience
I apologise ... ive been through a great many things in real life and sometimes just sometimes it takes a huge huge amount of power to just get up in the morning to simply face the new day in this strange world. something most take for granted. I am envious of the simplicity of others lives and yet i am very different ... and sometimes my mind becomes so clouded and i cannot see through my tears of what some like to call mistakes but i see more as learning experiences. Most days i am undefinably lost ... no anchor to a world that you dont feel you belong to anyhows. Ptsd does that to you .. it breaks you fundamentally on all levels .. all self worth is gone .. all self love is gone ... all reason and the ability to balance feelings and emotions just falls at your feet like shattered glass. To wake in the morning to simply face yourself is a challenge ... better to eternally sleep within the softness and comfort of dreams ... how many times have you simply sat on your window sill and begged to be taken away? The crushing anxiety and panic attacks where you cant breathe ... the self loathing of feeling a complete failure. The void .. the spiral of deep dark depression of rightful self destruction plays with our mind ... dances with every single day ... its exhausting.
A Struggle
The game is my meditation ... the few friends i have here are my anchor ... keeps me from drowning ...thankyou sts more than you will ever ever know.... you may laugh at me but i got baby steps going on here.
your words hurt me ... and words, intent and actions are sharper than blades, they can cut so very deep .. may we all reflect on how we forever communicate with others and may that forever encompass love, kindness, understanding ... and above all things humility and gentleness
the blood of the mountain
....our partners are not phased at all about you and i, and foolishly we are allowed to tred path together. While travelling through unchartered mountain peaks, climbing high above the clouds close as if to touch heaven, where no man or woman has been for a milennia ... if ever .... we seek atonement in good grace.
We stumble upon a hidden ancient Holy ravine, ghosted in the mist of uncertainty, and veiled in transcient beauty. The golden light of humanties dusk breaks through and cheats the onset of night, shafts of light revealing a path through the ravine to an unknown destination deep within. We follow the path of light between rocks and through pools with trepidation ..... travelling across rainbows, moving through the stars; strange and beautiful creatures watch us from the undergrowth ... inquisitive and poignant ... following .... watching ... waiting ... expecting .... accompanying us along our path to our destiny.
The base of the ravine unfurls in liquid light, and our journey leads us to where the lifes blood of the mountains, the land, the sky and the earth ... all things infinite, has broken free to collect and meet in a single small pool of promise. It shimmers and vibrates in the long lonely lost anticipation of human touch, desire, longing, remembering .... harbouring the gift she, and only she, can give.
As we approach the air resounds .... the hum that embodies all things causes the moon and the planets to shift from their pattern, blurring, smearing, in and out of focus to become one. Our breath quickens, hearts pounding, eyes meet ...... we stare deep into each others souls ...and turn as one to look into the depths of the pool. We see the stars .....the moon ..... the rock ... the earth, and all around us reflected within the pool ........ everything but ourselves .... for we are not the very fabric of all things, we are not where we are suppossed to be, we have not travelled the pattern for long enough to belong.
We kneel in reverance and understanding, heads and hearts held low in humility. The world shrinks around us, yet still the shimmering sparkling pool invites us to drink from her love ... she beckons us, allures us .... to become ...... we lean over the phosphorescence in despair for there is no turning back, our path lies forward and only in one direction. Our cupped hands break the surface of the pool and are filled. Our faces reflect the wavering light ..... our hearts reflect one another and a question parts both our lips, the tips of your hair trailing golden swirls in the elixir ... should we ..... could we ...?
We pause in anticipation just for a brief moment in time as a smile tastes both our lips, and the world turns golden with moonbeams .... You drink from my hand, and i from yours ... lips touching ... throat swallowing ... body accepting .....encompassing ... eyes closed in our final acceptance.
Blinding, searing, washed in light ... the elixir torrents through our bodies, our souls rip free and we join the stars ... dancing, swirling about everything that is, could be, and might never become. Everything shifts .... absolutely everything...... and we can feel the whole pattern re-arranging itself, little pieces shifting and reslotting themselves into an alternative yet accepted position..... all dimensions become open to us and we excel ... we rise above destiny..... and become free to make our own choices.
The balming light subsides with a sigh .... reflected light drawing back into itself, leaving our skin tingling with the memory, the sweet aura ......... of the blood of the mountain.
We open our eyes to the reflection of ourselves in the pool of lifes blood ... accepted........ where we belong. We look towards the stars and see that they are laughing .... the moon we see is smiling .... the trees whisper sweet nothings to us ... and the rock. the soil cradles us in their love.
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