Originally Posted by
ilhanna
Social Affairs
MUFFINS MATTER: SOCIETY CALLS FOR END TO MUFFIN CRIMINALIZATION
Defenders of Non-cake Unique Treats (DONUT) calls for an end to what they refer to as "prejudiced, paranoid bias against muffinkind".
DONUT spokesperson Ms Valerie Bundt said at a press conference yesterday that the current administration long-held prejudice against muffins are not only groundless but potentially dangerous as well. "We have reports of muffins getting shuffled to the lower racks in the bakery, excluded from restaurant dessert menu, or forever passed over for recommendation on the Specials Today. Very sad stories. We can't let this continue."
Baked Goods United for Equal Treatment of Things Edible (BAGUETTE) concurred, citing cases where cupcakes were getting preferred treatment over muffins despite similarity in shape, simply because "cupcakes are miniature cakes". BAGUETTE spokesperson Mr Thomas McKnead said in a private interview, "Criminalization of muffins in general will only lead to hysteria. Remember that time they found a box of muffins in an underground train station, and they closed the whole place, suspended service and called the bomb squad? They wouldn't have done that if it had been a box of donuts, or pies, or cookies. And these were just ordinary, innocent caramel and chocolate chip muffins. They didn't aspire to be lords of the underground crime world, no. They just want to be eaten, just like everybody else."
"When it comes to muffins, it seems the current policy is shoot first, ask questions later," said Mr Sydney Glaze, president of the Coalition for the Rights of Unified Muffin Brotherhoods (CRUMB). "This is jeopardizing everything from our freedom to sense of identity. We heard sad stories of mini muffins developing eating disorder in an effort to look as light and airy as cupcake as possible, so they can fit in. Or muffins that disguise themselves under mounds of buttercream frosting just so they have a chance at getting eaten. If this continues, we might be looking at two possibilities: one in which the muffins decide they've had enough and are fighting back, or at the other extreme, a bunocide, total extinction of the baked goods sub-culture that's the muffins."
Efforts had been made to ameliorate the tarnished image of muffins and facilitate their integration with the rest of the baked goods community. The trade magazine Munchies for instance had for two years running organized the Stud Muffin Award, a pageant type event to showcase the aspiring young muffin talents and accomplishments.
However, Mario Funfetti, a muscular young muffin bursting with oatmeal and coconut who won the 2016 Stud Muffin Award with his special surprise cream cheese filling, said that while the event had helped pave his way to the film industry where he now boasts quite a large fan base, muffinkind in general still live under the shadow of stereotypes and discrimination. "We're solid, no-nonsense people, who are good at we do, which is making you feel full without leaving any washing up to do in the morning when you're always in a hurry. But just because we don't go for frills and swirls like cakes, or neon color glaze like donuts, people think we're rough, even hostile. But really, we crumble and melt just like everybody else. Just give us a chance."
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