Joke Thread: WARNING Contents may be offensive, enter at own risk

[Aerospacegod]

Post your favorite joke...consider your audience please and not get too risque

Best Pocket Legends themed joke gets a Conquerors Saintly Shield(Pink)
Time frame: 24 hours from now I'll pick the best, or vote for your favorites and I'll consider choosing that person instead

Off topic jokes can be posted too but will not apply to contest

[Dizko]

So I'm going to go out clubbing tonight, get drunk and pick up some hot chicks.

LOL Jk, I play Pocket Legends.

[bopart]

Yay A Joke Forum and its also a contest :)

[Banned]

This is a awesome contest idea. I'll try to think of a joke.

[Aerospacegod]

Pickup lines is a good idea too lol

Hey baby, I've got a lvl 35 mage in my pocket :)

[Dizko]

Stop post-hording you pansys.

Show us your comedy genius right now!




Hey baby. Mines a 35.

;)

[bopart]

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship‚ holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me‚ madam. I do not intend to be forward‚ but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes‚ I know‚" said the lady‚ "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But‚ madam‚ you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down‚ then back up at the man and replied‚ "Sir‚ anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
(can you copy jokes?)

[bopart]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more 'special'."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account," he said.

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!

[TheBaconKing]

hey baby. Mines a 35.

;)
hahahahahaha =D

[sandman2013]

two old ladies are smoking outside of their retirement home, as that is the only place they are allowed to smoke there. suddenly it starts raining, and one of the ladies whips out a condom to protect her cigarette.

"where'd you get that?" asked the other lady

"you can get them at any pharmacy or gas station," replied the lady. "i use them to protect my cigs in the rain."

The next day the old lady when to a pharmacy to buy some condoms. Being a little lost, she asked the man at the counter where she could find one.

"where can i find condoms?" asked the lady.

"what kind are you looking for?" replied the man at the counter.

"it doesnt matter what kind or anything, just as long as it can fit at camel!" replied the old lady.

[Cascade]

What does the mushroom say to the other mushroom?

Your a fun guy!

[Endless]

A Bear and a bird are having a drink.
The Bear says to the bird, "How do you keep your marriage fresh? You and the missus look really happy."
The Bird says, "No secret. I'm doing it right now."
The Bear says, "What?"
"Drinking," the bird says,"Until this picture of Frogmar turns into an Enchantress..."

I'll be here until 1.2 folks... ;)

[Banned]

A Bear and a bird are having a drink.
The Bear says to the bird, "How do you keep your marriage fresh? You and the missus look really happy."
The Bird says, "No secret. I'm doing it right now."
The Bear says, "What?"
"Drinking," the bird says,"Until this picture of Frogmar turns into an Enchantress..."

I'll be here until 1.2 folks... ;)

Ahahahahhahahaha. Man that was perfect.

[Dizko]

I'll be here until 1.2 folks... ;)

Hurry the **** Apple!

;) Lol jk, liked it.

[TheBaconKing]

Getting a pink is like peeing yourself... Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling it brings.

[MCHAMMER]

bunch of old jokes...i love this one

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ***!"

... the teacher fainted!

[Aerospacegod]

lol bacon, your the front runner

[bopart]

Y did the rooster cross the road?
To proove he wasnt a chicken


What cake do they give u in heaven?
A angel fruit cake

[Dizko]

Three enchantresses were in towne talking about their husbands' love making performance. The first enchantress says ''My husband is a dexterous archer. He really knows how to use his body and how to sweet talk me. I like that.''
The second one says, ''My husband is a warrior. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. That really gets me going.''

The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Apple. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''

[arbyssauce]

Last night my friends asked if i wanted to go hit the town. I said no, i got some studying to do. The next morning i got a text from them describing how they found this club with alot of hot slutty girls, they continued this text with a photo of 20 beautiful girls sleeping in there room with one word in the text "Pwned." You want to know what i was studying? The app store, awaiting the pocket legends update 1.2 to come out. Genius, arent i? FML

[TheBaconKing]

Hahahaha Dizko your last one was great!!

[arbyssauce]

Hahahaha Dizko your last one was great!!

No love for me?

[Dizko]

No love for me?

I love you.

[TheBaconKing]

We all love you

[arbyssauce]

I love you.

Dizko if i was on your server, we would make bear-falcon babies

[arbyssauce]

In soviet russia, sandwich makes woman!

[Dizko]

Dizko if i was on your server, we would make bear-falcon babies

Aww...thats....too bad.

[FriedSushi]

A guy enters a bar carrying a bear. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this bear's mouth and place my genitals inside. The bear will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the bear's mouth. The bear closes its mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the bear on the top of its head. The bear opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[Dizko]

Lol!

Very nice.

[arbyssauce]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ_OhPXUJ2M THATS ME !!!!!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[Rebel]

In Soviet Russia, warriors are good... :p

[arbyssauce]

In Soviet Russia, warriors are good... :p

In soviet russia, rebels live

[FriedSushi]

A man in a punishment center must spend a long time in one of three rooms.
The first one has people standing up to their waist's in poo (i don't wanna break the rules here)
The man says, "No, show me the next room."
He is taken to the second room, where people are standing up to their necks in poo
The man says again, "No, show me the next room."
In the last room, people are standing in poo up to their knees, drinking coffee.
The man says happily, "I'll choose this one." He walks into the room, and pours himself a cup of coffee.
As the officer is leaving the room, she says, "Alright everyone, coffee break's over, back on your heads."

[Killer Sandcrab]

So two men are playing golf, when one asks the other what he does for a living. The guy says, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you", but the first man insists. So the second man says, "I'm an assassin, I kill people for money." The first guy just laughs, and so the second walks over to the golf cart and takes out his bag. From inside, he pulls out a case, opens it, and proceeds to assemble a sniper rifle. The first man is amazed. "Mind if I look through the scope?" he asks, and the assassin agrees.

The man looks through the high-focus scope and says, "Hey, I can see my house from here! And there's my wife in the window... and she's with another man!" He turns, furious, to the assassin and asks him what he charges. "$200 per shot", he says, so the first man says "I'd like to buy two shots. I want you to put one through her head, and another through his groin to teach him a lesson." So the assassin attaches his scope and looks through, and pauses. The first man says, "What are you waiting for?", to which the assassin responds, "Well, if you wait just a minute I can save you $200..."

[Avadonna]

There's a bear who shows up in a game where other warriors have gathered to hunt trolls. Only he shows up without a weapon.
The other warriors are very curious. "How you gonna get a troll without a weapon?" they ask.

"Do you have a shiv?"

"No," says the bear.

"Do you have a club?"

"No," says the bear.

"Don't you worry. I'm gonna get myself a troll. Just wait right here and see."

The bear leaves the room and disappears into the crypts for a few minutes.

Eventually he happens upon a troll and he kicks it to get it really angry. The troll starts to chase after the bear, so the bear starts running back towards the room.

Finally the warriors hear him running down the hall and yelling, "Open the door! Open the door!"

They open the door and the bear runs into the room and holds the door open behind him. To the surprise of the other warriors, an angry troll follows close behind, running into the room.

Then the bear slams the door shut, and says, "You skin that one. I'll go get another."


adapted from a joke I found online. ;)

[flaimdude]

How many mages does it take to heal a warrior?
Not enough.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get more dex.

[Obliteration]

Enchantresses only suck because they are females.

[bopart]

Enchantresses only suck because they are females.

LOL True! JK

[Obliteration]

What happens when you make an enchantress a bowtress?
They no longer suck.

[KingFu]

Want to see my 35 pink copperhead?

[KingFu]

I have been asked many times: What do you want for your staff?

[Aerospacegod]

Y'all can do better =)

[Distinct]

Pocket Legends themed joke ?
Let's give it a shot.

So two Archers were hanging around in the middle of Towne during night.
It was a beautiful night, with stars shining brightly, so the two Archers decided to count stars to pass the time.

After a minute of counting, three buff Warrior Bears come up to them, and say:
"Hey! Don't you know the rules in our Towne ? For every star you count, you have to pay a fee of 10 Gold pieces"

One of the Archers say "Oh, I'm sorry, I counted 320 stars, here's 3200 gold."

The Bears walk away laughing...

The other Archer say "Why did you do that ? Watch this, I'll teach them a lesson!"

So the other Archer walks up to the Bears, sits down, and starts counting stars.
The Bears stand there watching this, letting him count for a while.
A few minutes pass, and the Bears finally say "Didn't you learn from your friends mistake ? Pay up for every star that you've counted."
The Archer tells them he has counted 400 stars, and gives them 4000 Gold pieces.

He then proceeds to walk back to his friend, with a smile on his face.
His friend asks him "What are you so happy about ? I thought you were going to teach them a lesson.."

The Archer smiles even more, and says "I did. I actually counted 600 Stars!"

[Aerospacegod]

good effort but I didnt get it

[Dizko]

I got it. Just replace the word archer with the word blonde and you will get it.

[Azrael]

What happens when you make an enchantress a bowtress?
They no longer suck.

Hysterical!... considering the devs posted that chantress is beating archer 1v1.

[Flamin]

Q: One night a archer and a bear walking into a completely empty castle, yet three came out, who was the third?
A: The knight (If you say it outloud instead of typing it, the joke is better, since night and knight sound exactly the same)

I made up the jokes, but didn't make the pictures.

This is where you can get awsome pinks from the swamp!
http://porkcutlets.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/pink.png

To beat frogmar you must have courage... true courage.
http://www.productiveflourishing.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/courage.jpg


Off topic jokes, I made up all these jokes:

Q: You know what I heard?
A: Sheep (get it? 'herd')

Q: You know what I saw?
A: Wood

Q: You know what's really cool?
A: Ice

Q: You know what's really funny?
A: My Jokes

Q: You know what's really wild?
A: The Zoo

Q: What do you call a blind bambi?
A: No I deer (get it? 'No I idea')

Q: What do you call a blind bambi with no legs?
A: Still no I deer (get it? still)

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg?
A: Ilene

Q: What do you call a woman from china with one leg?
A: Irene

Q: Where does a person with one leg work?
A: iHop

If someone says jokes:
If someone says "Hi" you say "Low"
If someone says "Hey" you say "Alfalfa"
If someone says "Sup" you say "Dinner"
If someone says "What's up" you say when your inside "The ceiling" when your outside "The sky and outerspace"
If someone says "Welcome" you say "badgo" (get it? Well come, and bad go)

1st person "Knock Knock"
2nd person "Who's there?"
1st person "Is it"
2nd person "Is it who?"
(get it?)

[Aerospacegod]

1.5 hours left, get your entries in :P

[statuary]

Two idiots found a rifle and didnt know what it was. One of the idiots looked into the rifle, and the rifle went off. So the second idiot looked at him and said "Dont look so weird, i was also scared!"

[Flamin]

So...... Who won????

[Aerospacegod]

bacon, I contacted him but haven't gotten a response yet.

not many themed choices oh well

[TheBaconKing]

bacon, I contacted him but haven't gotten a response yet.

not many themed choices oh well

If you messaged me on the forums.. I never got it.. Also I haven't been in game all day.
Been learning how to cook some good asian food! Now I just need to buy me the equipment to do it at home... sigh..

I don't need the item.. Just keep it, or give it to whoever does need it. Thanks anyways.. Just threw the joke in for fun.

[Aerospacegod]

was a pm *shrug*
I have more than 1, hence the giveaway

[TheBaconKing]

Sorry I never received it because my box was full.. I guess your only allowed 50 for both inbox and outbox.

[tjornan]

Ok heres mine... It turns out frogmar is blonde, yea thars rite blonde

Frogmar had an overwhelming thought... She thought Le Chomp (her husband) was cheating on her... So she went to a gun store and bought a pharoahs hunting bow of horus for 10k gold, after this she went to her house, barged in an sure enough she found her beloved Le Chomp in the arms of Seth.... She pointed the bow at Le Chomp, but then, overwhelmed with grief she put the bow to her head. Le Chomp growled no dont do it!

Frogmar replied "shut up ur next!"

[tjornan]

My next one: it sounds better as a blonde joke... Just switch health pots with tv and mana pots with microwave

Frogmar visits ozz and says "ill buy those health pots on the side over there"
Ozz says " i dont serve bosses"
so frogmar uses makeup to switch to a warrior she goes back in the store and says "ill take those health pots over there"
Ozz says "i dont serve bosses"
so frogmar again switches to an avian, think there is no way he will think im a boss....
She repeats wat she wants and ozz says "i dont serve bosses."
Frogmar says "dude im not a boss"
ozz says "ya u r"
Frogmar says "prove it"
Ozz says "fine, u know how u want those health pots over there? Those r mana pots."

[tjornan]

I do need the shield btw

[Gwendaline]

Q: What was the Wizards favorite Beach Boys Song?

A: Help Me Wand-A


Q: What held together the Wizard's majic book?

A: The Spell binding


Q: What do you call a wizard from outer space?

A: A flying sorcerer


Q: :) Why did Flaimerdude the wizard go to the hospital?

A: He kissed a boy and got a staff infection.


Q: What did the wizard put on the no parking sign?

A: Violators will be toads


Q: What kind of car does a Witch drive?

A: A Ford Hocus Focus


Q:What kind of Coffee is preferred by most Wizards?

A: Maxspell house


Q: What does a wizard say for his special flattening spell?

A: Pressed - O!


Q: What does a wizard use to conjure up an atom?

A: Eye of Nuetron


Q: Did you hear about the witch that could only predict sad fortunes?

A: He used a crystal bawl?


Q:What Wizard hangs out at the beach?

A: A Surfer Druid


Q: Where does he go surfing?

A: In the pacific potion


Q: Who was the Wizard's favorite actor?

A: James Gandolf-ini


Q: What are popular names for Witch's babies?

A: Al Chemy for Boys and Necro-Nancy for girls

[flaimdude]

Q: :) Why did Flaimerdude the wizard go to the hospital?

A: He kissed a boy and got a staff infection.


I liked this one, it made me laugh. ;)

[Gwendaline]

I liked this one, it made me laugh. ;)

Bwawawawa! That's my favorite :)

[runedarkblade]

A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a crap. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of crap sticking to your fur"?
The bunny says "No".
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his butt.

[jerryguevara]

Hello would you like my head in your Thoth helm ?;)
lol :P

[Avadonna]

How can you tell the difference between boy yeti and girl yeti? Snowballs.

[Cascade]

Awww..thats wrong lol.

[Avadonna]

What is really wrong is that they throw them at you....

[Auction]

I have no armor on at all and I'm running from 5 people in pvp when a team mates next to me we fight to get a speed power up but he gets it and says piece out we turn the corner and a team mate runs into all of us and is instantly killed.

[Rarefew]

Woman: help us aliens are in our deserts

me: wait wait I have to get an Isis helm



5 minutes later......



The world ends

[Hayabusaz]

I Am A Big Fat Bear !!

" Whaaaaaat !?!? "

Yeah .. I Have A Friend That's A Bird With Weapons ..

" WTF !?!? "

Go Check Pocket Legends ... ;)

[Kurlz]

Woman: help us aliens are in our deserts

me: wait wait I have to get an Isis helm



5 minutes later......



The world ends

and by "the world ends" you mean, the servers went down for an update, right?
lol

Hey babe, wanna see my Pocket Legend?

[tjornan]

VIOLENTSAINT: Hey Baby. What could i do to get u in bed?
HER: What do u have that no else has u creep? i could get a much better guy than *scornfull face*
VIOLENTSAINT: Well i have a PL shield. That good enough to get u in bed?