arlorian secret service job application

[konafez]

Hello, your arlorian president here

Coffeegirl and I were discussing the state of arlor the other day ..and the topic of secret service protection came up (and noticing the lack of protection sts has provided us..have you been to arlor justg? You can get killed out there!)

So we have decided to take it on ourselves to hire secret service agents. You will be reporting to our head goon...errrrrr ..I mean head of secret service Coalhouse

Job requirements

A great work ethic! (That basicly means show up to give people thrashings when needed)

A great attitude (no morals and incipient psychosis a huge plus)

Able to fallow directions (here's there address ..go thrash them)

Basicly we are looking for excited individuals with a devotion to duty (and no relatives that we might have to pay any death benefits to)

The truth is we will take anyone that's not foaming at the mouth or actively trying to gnaw there own limbs off

Apply here and Coalhouse will set up a interview

President
Konafez

[Alwarez]

Me, I have Hulk knuckles for thrashings.

[Coalhouse]

This is good. OK, online applications: the main question is "What can you bring to the job?"

(Hint: anything sharp, pointy or heavy is the correct answer, as long as you can wield it. Extra credit for inventiveness.)

[Mel030]

I'm the one you're looking for.
No more further questions or discussion,just give me orders and tasks.
Agent 030

Sent from my EVA-L09 using Tapatalk

[Veenihiv]

Count me in :D
Ign : Veenihiv

Sent from my vivo V1Max using Tapatalk

[gunlet]

Hey president i need your support... Can u please pm its not a nooby thing..need real support

[Psychoism]

I'm here! I got iron hands :)

[bonjovi3223]

I am a kiting warrior with aimed fireball shot. Do I qwallify?

[Java]

We also need someone to guard the strategic coffee reserves.

[Heresyourgod]

Hi Cake!

I am able to do all of the requirements that you've set for the Secret Service.

Thanks!

Follow up Question:
"What can bring you to the job?"
I can bring you my skills. Especially my wisdom, understanding, and knowledge. I can work with any type of people, as long as they work with me too. I can handle and organize things that is given to me. If they say I need to take care of the Cakes and Coffees, I can really bring my skills to the job.

Thanks Kona, Coffee and Coalhouse!

Sent from my ASUS_T00J using Tapatalk

[marsu4u]

Ill bring *cough cough* kunais, katanas, shurikens, swords, knives, daggers, axe, sickle, glaive, halberd, spear, scythe, hooksword, kpinga, scissors, razer blade, hidden blade, hookblade, a sword that opens up when inside the victim, kukri, tiger claw, brass knuckles, gaunlet, ninjato, bowie knife, backsword, cutlass, falchion, hunt sword, arming sword, sabre, scimitar, executioners sword & finally a lightsaber.

So yeah I'm the man for the job!

I better not get arrested for this...

[Coalhouse]

Ill bring *cough cough* kunais, katanas, shurikens, swords, knives, daggers, axe, sickle, glaive, halberd, spear, scythe, hooksword, kpinga, scissors, razer blade, hidden blade, hookblade, a sword that opens up when inside the victim, kukri, tiger claw, brass knuckles, gaunlet, ninjato, bowie knife, backsword, cutlass, falchion, hunt sword, arming sword, sabre, scimitar, executioners sword & finally a lightsaber.

So yeah I'm the man for the job!

I better not get arrested for this...

Also (presumably) a wheelbarrow.

[ilhanna]

Kona, Coffee, I think you need to add extra qualifications:

Must look hot in opaque sunglasses

When s/he falls on a suspected offender, said offender stays down (multiple fractures on offender's anatomy a bonus; a definite hire if broken pelvis included)

Must be able to memorize and use Mil-speak and security codes (try this on any applicant, see if s/he understands what it means: "Effect immediate apprehension and penetration of mobile carriage unit of frozen biologicals delivery vehicle." If applicant goes out and stop the ice cream truck, hire on spot)

Must be able to be coherent even when talking in mumbles out of the side of their mouth. No Stallone soundalike

Must have the ability to remain unsmiling even in the face of the most ridiculous remark from their president. Applicant whose face has been thoroughly botoxed is preferred

Good luck with the recruitment!

[marsu4u]

Kona, Coffee, I think you need to add extra qualifications:

Must look hot in opaque sunglasses

When s/he falls on a suspected offender, said offender stays down (multiple fractures on offender's anatomy a bonus; a definite hire if broken pelvis included)

Must be able to memorize and use Mil-speak and security codes (try this on any applicant, see if s/he understands what it means: "Effect immediate apprehension and penetration of mobile carriage unit of frozen biologicals delivery vehicle." If applicant goes out and stop the ice cream truck, hire on spot)

Must be able to be coherent even when talking in mumbles out of the side of their mouth. No Stallone soundalike

Must have the ability to remain unsmiling even in the face of the most ridiculous remark from their president. Applicant whose face has been thoroughly botoxed is preferred

Good luck with the recruitment!

RIP Brain...

[gunlet]

I already need a secret service for catching bad guys who robbed me (-.-")

[konafez]

I think e everyone so far is ready for the job

To fill in a few questions I been getting

Yes..you can keep any hacked off limbs you find.(no I don't want to know what your going to do with them)

Yes. You can put any detainees to work making durian based gravy

If you don't have a weapon one will be provided (yes it's going to be a turnip)

No ..you can't have my cake..stop asking!

No ..you can't run a side line selling organs on the black market (who are you people!?!?!?)

[ilhanna]

RIP Brain...

This is exactly the impact expected of the Arlorian Presidential Secret Service.

Scene:
Figures in white coat busily working on gleaming metal tables. One of them squirts a jet of thick, dark liquid onto a white surface. On one side of the room, red numbers blinks a countdown, second by silent second.

Enter Kona. He approaches one of the tables, trying (and patently failing) to be stealthy. He furtively looks left and right, making sure none of the white coats is noticing, reaches out a huge sausage-like warrior finger, makes a long, slow swipe on the inside of a large metal vessel...

Three Secret Service agents rush to Kona's side. One of them pulls out a large hadkerchief from his pocket and wipes the pale yellow substance that is smeared all over Kona's fingers, saying, "We got you, Sir." Meanwhile the other two have their hands on Kona's back, bodily shielding the President on two sides while ushering him down the corridor. All three burly men kept their heads swiveling to scan the vicinity, muttering into their microphones. "Cupcake is safe. Repeat, Cupcake is safe." From their earphones crackles the rejoinder, "Sprinkles here. Sanitation effectuating unit ready on standby, over." The agen who has wiped Kona's finger produces a large ziploc bag, thrusts the handkerchief inside, and breaks off from the trio, muttering, "Icing 2 breaking off to deliver evidence." Two more men, similarly built like chunks of granite, replace him, matching step with the other two.

Soon, Kona is washing his hands in his office bathroombunder the supervision of the Latte House (Arlorian presidential palace) doctors, while a representative of CDC (Cake Defilement Control) rushes off with a small vial containing the President's blood sample.

In the kitchen, all the chefs are lying face down with their hands behind their heads. Six secret agents stand guard over them, guns primed. All exits are duly covered. The oven timer has finished ticking but the Secret Service agents refuse to listen to the chefs plea to take the cakes out before they get too dry.

Two individuals in full HAZMAT suit and a Geiger counter moved back from the bowl that Kona has touched earlier. One of them nod to the agents. They gingerly move the bowl into a biohazard containment unit using two long metal thongs then depart in a hurry.

An agent in the Secret Service signature black suit rushes in. He taps a rectangular object in his hand, then points at one of the chefs: "That one."

Cut to interrogation room.

Chef sits under glaring neon light that doesn't compliment anyone's complexion, even supermodels. His white tunic is rumpled. His fingers are buried in his stiff, greasy hair, clenching and unclenching. His bloodshot eyes stare blankly at the Secret Service agent who sits across the table from him in immaculate suit, hair, and shoes.

"We have been here twelve hours Mr Brun...." intones the agent.

"TWELVE?" squeaks Chef. "This isn't right! I haven't done anything! I need to go home and feed my goldfish!"

"Don't worry. We have your goldfish in custody."

"You arrested my fish?" Chef's eyes bulge, not unlike a goldfish's.

"I am not at liberty to reveal that information," says the agent, who sounds like Mufasa.

"For God's sake I have rights! Detainees have rights, dont they? You haven't event let me call my lawyer!"

"In this room, Mr Brun, I am your lawyer, your prosecutor, your judge, and executioner. You forfeited your rights to civil judicial system when you committed treason against the president."

"Gggaaahhh!" Chef pulls at his hair again. "For the hundredth times: I did not commit any treason! I was just too busy to wash that bowl! We have to bake and ice a hundred cakes a day, sometimes you can't keep up with the washing up!"

"Did you or did you not at eleven hundred hour of Sunday, August the fourteenth, leave a hemispherical metal vessel containing biologically hazardous material that might or might not pose critical endangerment to the physical and mental health of President Konafez within the secured and sterile inner sanctum of the Latte House central logistical provisionary unit...."

"What? What?"

"...and by design or through intentional negligence based on intelligence of the president's movement and motives garnered through unlawful conspiracy. ..."

"What conspiracy?"

"...you have arranged for the president to suffer from food poisoning which might or might not lead to fatal consequences. ..."

"What food poisoning?"

"...knowing the president has compromised defenses when it comes to cakes you vented baking aromas into the Square Office to lure him into the central logistical provisionary unit...."

"You mean the kitchen?"

"...where you had prepared cake batter laden with salmonella impurities to achieve your goal of assassinating...."

"What? What salmonella?"

"...the bacteria known to exist in raw egg that might or might not cause grave infectious gastrointestinal...."

Chef begins to laugh, a broken hysterical laugh. "Ahah! Ahahah! Ahahahah!"

"So you admit to have committed or conspired to commit treason and or assassination attempt...."

"It's Italian meringue, you idiot! The egg is cooked! It's not raw! Ahahah! Ahahahah!"

"Italian meringue? Are you then linked to the Al Casino terrorist organization based in Italy?"

"What? No! It's just a cooking technique! Italian meringue: you boil the sugar to very high temperature then pour into the beaten egg whites, cooking it. Then there's the Swiss meringue...."

"Is that where your organization funding is banked?"

Twelve hours later.

"Do you admit that by the excess use of fondant is intended to compromise the President's health by causing diabetes?"

"Murp murp."

"Do you admit that the thick buttercream has been calculated to engender severe and irreversible atherosclerosis?"

"Clup clup"

Yep. Arlorian Presidential Secret Service = RIP Brain.

Edit:
No goldfish was harmed in this incident.
Chef Brun is subsequently pardoned by Kona who can't stand missing his chief patissier too long. After his rehabilitation, the Chef goes on to create a highly successful line of eggless baking products and supplies.

[konafez]

This is exactly the impact expected of the Arlorian Presidential Secret Service.

Scene:
Figures in white coat busily working on gleaming metal tables. One of them squirts a jet of thick, dark liquid onto a white surface. On one side of the room, red numbers blinks a countdown, second by silent second.

Enter Kona. He approaches one of the tables, trying (and patently failing) to be stealthy. He furtively looks left and right, making sure none of the white coats is noticing, reaches out a huge sausage-like warrior finger, makes a long, slow swipe on the inside of a large metal vessel...

Three Secret Service agents rush to Kona's side. One of them pulls out a large hadkerchief from his pocket and wipes the pale yellow substance that is smeared all over Kona's fingers, saying, "We got you, Sir." Meanwhile the other two have their hands on Kona's back, bodily shielding the President on two sides while ushering him down the corridor. All three burly men kept their heads swiveling to scan the vicinity, muttering into their microphones. "Cupcake is safe. Repeat, Cupcake is safe." From their earphones crackles the rejoinder, "Sprinkles here. Sanitation effectuating unit ready on standby, over." The agen who has wiped Kona's finger produces a large ziploc bag, thrusts the handkerchief inside, and breaks off from the trio, muttering, "Icing 2 breaking off to deliver evidence." Two more men, similarly built like chunks of granite, replace him, matching step with the other two.

Soon, Kona is washing his hands in his office bathroombunder the supervision of the Latte House (Arlorian presidential palace) doctors, while a representative of CDC (Cake Defilement Control) rushes off with a small vial containing the President's blood sample.

In the kitchen, all the chefs are lying face down with their hands behind their heads. Six secret agents stand guard over them, guns primed. All exits are duly covered. The oven timer has finished ticking but the Secret Service agents refuse to listen to the chefs plea to take the cakes out before they get too dry.

Two individuals in full HAZMAT suit and a Geiger counter moved back from the bowl that Kona has touched earlier. One of them nod to the agents. They gingerly move the bowl into a biohazard containment unit using two long metal thongs then depart in a hurry.

An agent in the Secret Service signature black suit rushes in. He taps a rectangular object in his hand, then points at one of the chefs: "That one."

Cut to interrogation room.

Chef sits under glaring neon light that doesn't compliment anyone's complexion, even supermodels. His white tunic is rumpled. His fingers are buried in his stiff, greasy hair, clenching and unclenching. His bloodshot eyes stare blankly at the Secret Service agent who sits across the table from him in immaculate suit, hair, and shoes.

"We have been here twelve hours Mr Brun...." intones the agent.

"TWELVE?" squeaks Chef. "This isn't right! I haven't done anything! I need to go home and feed my goldfish!"

"Don't worry. We have your goldfish in custody."

"You arrested my fish?" Chef's eyes bulge, not unlike a goldfish's.

"I am not at liberty to reveal that information," says the agent, who sounds like Mufasa.

"For God's sake I have rights! Detainees have rights, dont they? You haven't event let me call my lawyer!"

"In this room, Mr Brun, I am your lawyer, your prosecutor, your judge, and executioner. You forfeited your rights to civil judicial system when you committed treason against the president."

"Gggaaahhh!" Chef pulls at his hair again. "For the hundredth times: I did not commit any treason! I was just too busy to wash that bowl! We have to bake and ice a hundred cakes a day, sometimes you can't keep up with the washing up!"

"Did you or did you not at eleven hundred hour of Sunday, August the fourteenth, leave a hemispherical metal vessel containing biologically hazardous material that might or might not pose critical endangerment to the physical and mental health of President Konafez within the secured and sterile inner sanctum of the Latte House central logistical provisionary unit...."

"What? What?"

"...and by design or through intentional negligence based on intelligence of the president's movement and motives garnered through unlawful conspiracy. ..."

"What conspiracy?"

"...you have arranged for the president to suffer from food poisoning which might or might not lead to fatal consequences. ..."

"What food poisoning?"

"...knowing the president has compromised defenses when it comes to cakes you vented baking aromas into the Square Office to lure him into the central logistical provisionary unit...."

"You mean the kitchen?"

"...where you had prepared cake batter laden with salmonella impurities to achieve your goal of assassinating...."

"What? What salmonella?"

"...the bacteria known to exist in raw egg that might or might not cause grave infectious gastrointestinal...."

Chef begins to laugh, a broken hysterical laugh. "Ahah! Ahahah! Ahahahah!"

"So you admit to have committed or conspired to commit treason and or assassination attempt...."

"It's Italian meringue, you idiot! The egg is cooked! It's not raw! Ahahah! Ahahahah!"

"Italian meringue? Are you then linked to the Al Casino terrorist organization based in Italy?"

"What? No! It's just a cooking technique! Italian meringue: you boil the sugar to very high temperature then pour into the beaten egg whites, cooking it. Then there's the Swiss meringue...."

"Is that where your organization funding is banked?"

Twelve hours later.

"Do you admit that by the excess use of fondant is intended to compromise the President's health by causing diabetes?"

"Murp murp."

"Do you admit that the thick buttercream has been calculated to engender severe and irreversible atherosclerosis?"

"Clup clup"

Yep. Arlorian Presidential Secret Service = RIP Brain.

Edit:
No goldfish was harmed in this incident.
Chef Brun is subsequently pardoned by Kona who can't stand missing his chief patissier too long. After his rehabilitation, the Chef goes on to create a highly successful line of eggless baking products and supplies.


There are not enough thanks on the forum for this post..well done Hanna!

[konafez]

This photo was leaked to the pres

154177

[Heresyourgod]

Raising the requirements is not a problem to me. I'm a ghost with wings. I just fly you to your future. If you would like a vending machine on my back, so be it. I'll love the job anyways. ^_^

Sent from my ASUS_T00J using Tapatalk

[epicrrr]

Should you pass our lovely neighborhood of 13-14-15 We got you covered!

-Kronos Divine

[ilhanna]

This photo was leaked to the pres

154177

And thus the Rubber Duckie-gate began.

[marsu4u]

So what do we do for this job?

Assassinations?

Or bodyguard duty?

[Coalhouse]

So what do we do for this job?

Assassinations?

Or bodyguard duty?

Best not get them mixed up.

[konafez]

So what do we do for this job?

Assassinations?

Or bodyguard duty?

*Shifty eyes* a little of both

[gunlet]

154189

Companion revolt spoted sir!
Victim is now safe and incident memory has been washed by Neuralyzer...


.
I dont apply for job.
Im Batman

[JesuisCharlie]

As far as i remember the game always been unsafe because its a free app, and kids are legion plus the meltingpot of all countries.. Was the same for PL, SL then DL.
So keep your pockets CLOSE :0

[intizamfamily888]

Im the right person for the job. Im bringing cake with me

Gesendet von meinem ASUS_Z00AD mit Tapatalk

[konafez]

Your all hired.. see coalhouse for your code names and assignments

[Coalhouse]

Thank you Mr. President. Here are the designations and assignments, based on aptitudes displayed in the applications.

Alwarez
Designation: Agent I, "Cleric".
Assignment: Confession Acquisition.

Mel030
Designation: Agent II, "Robot".
Assignment: Personal Security.

Veenihiv
Designation: Agent III, [still awaiting details].
Assignment: [see above].

Ragecx
Designation: Agent IV, "Gauntlet".
Assignment: Target Extraction.

bonjovi3223
Designation: Agent V, "Sledgehammer".
Assignment: Impediment Removal.

Heresyourgod
Designation: Agent VI, "Haunt".
Assignment: Information Analysis.

marsu4u
Designation: Agent VII, "Whetstone".
Assignment: Armourer.

intizamfamily888
Designation: Agent VIII, "Muffinman".
Assignment: Logistics.

You will refer to me as "C", konafez as "PoA" and Coffeegirl as "Veep".

You are all "Licenced to Kill", just try not to kill each other and keep the mess to a minimum. As well as your routine assignments, protection is to be afforded on request from the President's and Vice President's offices. Specific missions will be distributed as they arise.

Please acknowledge your appointments and your allegiance to the Presidency.

[Coalhouse]

Here follows the current partnership allocations, based upon compatability of specific assignments. They are subject to change due to circustance.

Cleric and Haunt (Data Management).

Robot and III (Defensive Operations).

Gauntlet and Sledgehammer (Offensive Operations).

Whetstone and Muffinman (Supply and Transport).

[Coalhouse]

In the interests of greater transparency, here are the job descriptions of the varous departments.

Data Management: Confession Aquisition (torture). Information Analysis (asking questions and then writing down "Argh! Argh! No please, not the face!").

Defensive Operations: Personal Security (bodyguard, i.e. "bullet-catcher").

Offensive Operations: Target Extraction (kidnapping). Impediment Removal (kicking in doors and knocking down walls etc.).

Supply and Transport: Armourer (weapon smuggler). Logistics (cake, we all like cake).

[Hercules]

I honestly do not understand how you guys can take this as real .-. #FaithInHumanity

Specially Coalhouse who lives in a fantasy world.

[Hercules]

I honestly do not understand how you guys can take this as real .-. #FaithInHumanity

Specially Coalhouse who lives in a fantasy world.



NOTE: I'm not saying it's bad, but you guys have a very creative mint :applause:

[Coalhouse]

I honestly do not understand how you guys can take this as real .-. #FaithInHumanity

Specially Coalhouse who lives in a fantasy world.

Erm, we don't take it as real. What fantasy shows us is the difference between fantasy and reality. Certain organisations find this inconvenient. Incidentally, I have been playing RPGs since 1981 and I don't see why I should stop now.

[konafez]

NOTE: I'm not saying it's bad, but you guys have a very creative mint :applause:

This is all in fun..if I saw one more nerf thread on the forum I was going to loose my mind and eat someone's face, so we decided to do something fun

[Coalhouse]

seriously you did not appoint to anyone to protect me????? ( or is that you job @coal)


*hides inside cake stash*


im not safe out there T.T

"... protection is to be afforded on request from the President's and Vice President's offices." Don't you run these offices?

[Coalhouse]

I do im the appointed secretary :3

so i still don't get protection?? even from you??

*prepares chainsaw*

fine... i'll play it my way then :)

can i manslaughter everyone now?

Erm, no. It's just that you are in charge of requesting the protection. So ...

[konafez]

seriously you did not appoint to anyone to protect me????? ( or is that you job @coal)


*hides inside cake stash*


im not safe out there T.T

Yeah raia. You run the offices so you decide who gets protection..

So yes..you get protection

[Suentous PO]

Lemme know when a position in The Victoria's Secret service opens - ty

[Heresyourgod]

Agent Haunt, reporting for duty!

Sent from my ASUS_T00J using Tapatalk

[Coalhouse]

Agent Haunt, reporting for duty!

Sent from my ASUS_T00J using Tapatalk

Acknowledged. So far you're the only one.