Official Joke Thread

[Yaranas]

Did you hear a joke that just got you bananas? Feel free to tell everyone about it here.
Please follow all rules while telling jokes. Keep it cleanish and no cursing please.

Yaranas

[Yaranas]

Reserved for high quality jokes.

[LwMark]

Are you serious!?

[Yaranas]

As a heart attack.

[slipeyz]

i feel like this is a great way to get people banned >.> my first instinct was to tell a "dirty joke" and then i rembered the little eyes that might wander across this thread, juz rember that when your trying to tell your jokes

[ArtStar]

Oh my gosh. Just tell jokes like the thread is asking xD
I am not very funny on the spot but:

"I want to die peacefully like my grandpa, not screaming and thrashing around like the passengers in his car"

[Yaranas]

Hahahaha...

[Cahaun]

Reserved for high quality jokes.
I don't always tell high quality jokes, but when I do, it's when I take an arrow in the knee or when I loot a Bronx Bomber! :rolleyes:

[Sryyoulose]

I used to tell high quality jokes, then I took an arrow to the ==))=(Knee)====>

[Swords]

Can it be yo mama jokes? or no?

[Yaranas]

All jokes are aloud that are cleanish with no foul language.

[Fao]

If you have 11 oranges and 10 apples, how many pancakes can fit on the roof? Purple. Because aliens don't were hats!

[Elyseon]

I used to tell hgih quality jokes, then Iread this rule:
All jokes are aloud that are cleanish with no foul language.

[dudetus]

Once I was a great man.

Then I took my gfs high heels off.

ZZZZING!!

[Sryyoulose]

read this rule:

What's wrong with that besides I realized now a little type hijh instead of high...?

[Pimpslide]

Uh Puns?
There is a hole at a beach nudist camp.
The police are looking into it.

While couldn't the bicycle go any farther?
It was two tired.

Why can't the circle make its circumference smaller?
Too much Pi.

[Imacoolbirdd]

If you have 11 oranges and 10 apples, how many pancakes can fit on the roof? Purple. Because aliens don't were hats! haha

[Justinjspark]

Your family is so poor that when I accidently stepped on a cockroach, your whole family came out singing,stomping, and clapping
"Thank the Lord for the meat"

[Artentreri]

All my jokes are foul and indecent, sorry. :watermelon:

[Elyseon]

read this rule:

What's wrong with that besides I realized now a little type hijh instead of high...?

I guess my joke was a little unclear, i was trying to say my high quality jokes are unclean lol, but i guess i put it together poorly

[Yaranas]

If you did not understand me clearly I said no foul language in my thread! This does not mean to use it anyways and try and justify if by saying you didn't actually say anything bad, because I and everyone else knows what you meant.

Mythicalgod, since you cannot follow simple instructions. I forbid you from ever posting anything ever in any of my threads that I create.

I hope this teaches you a lesson about paying attention to detail.

The joke is funny though, congratsulations on that! It could have been done without the foul language though.

If you are truly apologetic and would like me to reconsider you to be allowed to post on my threads I would like to hear it from you personally.

Post an apology in this thread and be serious then you will be allowed to post in my threads.

If you not wish to, adios.

Yaranas

[Skeletonlord]

How many apples in a barrel of grapes?

[Yaranas]

I don't know how many skeletonlord?

Yaranas

[Vhigdo]

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.

This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, " Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she poos* on you!"

*edited for thread
My favorite non-controversial joke :)

[Skeletonlord]

I don't know how many skeletonlord?

Yaranas

It's a trick- there isn't any lol

[Yaranas]

Lol! Very good that is so clever! Keep up with the jokes everyone and follow the rules. I am impressed so far and be sure to check back for some jokes from me.

If this thread gets popular enough it could very well get stickied! Wouldn't that be cool? It would be our own joke community.

Spread the word about this thread!

[Swords]

I was in a Turkey fight! I asked my mom whats the number for 911.

My friend told me he had tickets to Xbox live.

A chubby person tripped over Kmart and landed on Target

A Ugly person, Nobody ever smiles at him! Not even goldfish crackers smile back.

I couldnt pay for UFC pay-per-view, So i put paper on the TV and said paperview

[Sryyoulose]

There once was a Bird, Bear, and a elf. They are in the wild with meat head barreling toward them! They are each granted a wish in how to deal with him.

The bird says: I want a Shot gun. I'm going to Kill Meat Head!

The bear says: I Want a net I'm going to trap meat head!

The elf (Which is the dumb Elf) says: I want a sand bag.

The bird asks: Why would you want a sand bag?

The elf says: So I can drop it and run faster!

Bird and bear: *Groan*

I changed the people in here as to not offend anyone and make it more pocket legendy!

[Otukura]

If you did not understand me clearly I said no foul language in my thread


"Last edited by Samhayne; Today at 07:27 AM. Reason: removed offensive joke"


best. joke. ever.

[OvigorothO]

Yo' momma' is so stupid

She stole a free sample!

[Yaranas]

Yo mamas so poor, I mean your momma is so poor, I walked in the front door, lit a match as it fell to the floor. Cockroaches came out of the walls saying "clap your hands! Stomp your feet! Praise the lord we got heat!

[Swords]

yo momma so fat, She was born of the third,fourth and fifth

Yo momma so stupid, She use cheat codes for wii fit

[Piosidon]

Three men were traveling a long distance by foot. They came to a church and because they were so thirsty, they asked for water. The priest told them he only had holy water, and you've had to of done something bad in order to drink it.
The first man said, " I robbed a bank". He drank the water and threw-up.
The second said," I murdered someone". He drank the water and threw-up
The third man said," I peed in the holy water".

[Swords]

Three men were traveling a long distance by foot. They came to a church and because they were so thirsty, they asked for water. The priest told them he only had holy water, and you've had to of done something bad in order to drink it.
The first man said, " I robbed a bank". He drank the water and threw-up.
The second said," I murdered someone". He drank the water and threw-up
The third man said," I peed in the holy water".

The first and second lied. The third man told the truth. A riddle and joke lol

[Yaranas]

Piosidon, swords, and everyone else who has been posting jokes.

I am highly amused and have laughed out loud, several times.

Great job girls and guys.

Pocket Legends/Spacetime Studios FTW!

Yaranas

[Yaranas]

Let's take a vote. Who would like me too add their name to a list of supporters who support the "official joke thread" to be stickied?

No you do not have to post jokes to be added to the list of supporters but at least one from everybody would be much greatly appreciated.

Ask and you shall recieve. Just let me know either through a pm or a forum post, preferably a post.

[TheMatrixMan]

<insert greatest 2012 joke here>

[NotYoCookiez]

I laughed

[maneatingtree]

Why did the golfer bring a tissue to the golfing place
-because he got a bogey!

[Yaranas]

What's faster than a guy carrying a stolen tv?

His cousin carrying the vcr!

[Artentreri]

Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than standing up.






Dealing with a lawyer

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to hell."

[Gaunab]

Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than standing up.

11. You can't count down from ten correctly.

[Yaranas]

Lol! That's pretty good.

[Artentreri]

11. You can't count down from ten correctly.

12, actually.

[Xionskull]

I used to tell high quality jokes, then I took an arrow to the ==))=(Knee)====>oh wow ;(~stealer

[Xionskull]

Yo mamas so poor, I mean your momma is so poor, I walked in the front door, lit a match as it fell to the floor. Cockroaches came out of the walls saying "clap your hands! Stomp your feet! Praise the lord we got heat!dude, well hehehe...

Yo momma is so fat she took a spoon to the super bowl.

[Xionskull]

Ahhhh this is my thread (all my jokes are ones I use every day, I'm not searching the net)

[Xionskull]

Ok so...

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin...

The horses descendants are now known as giraffes. (LAUGH OUT LOUD)

[Xionskull]

Ok so...

When Chuck Norris does push ups...

He doesn't go down... The earth does.

[Xionskull]

Ok so... (long but epic must read)

A boy goes to school one morning, and the teacher asks him to say the first four letters of the alphabet. He replies saying, "I dunno." The teacher then goes on to say if you don't know them by tomorrow morning no recess for you.

That afternoon, the boy goes to his mom, who is washing dishes, and says "what is the first letter of the alphabet?" she (being stressed and not feeling well that day) replies by saying, "oh be quiet!" satisfied the boy goes into the next room to his dad who is absorbed in the tv (watching football of course) and the boy asks "what's the second letter of the alphabet?" the dad seeing that his team scored, jumps up and shouts "yes!!" satisfied the boy goes to the next room to his older sister (who is watching 101 dalmatians) and asks "what's the third letter of the alphabet?" not concentrating the girl says dumbly "101." satisfied the boy goes to the next room to his other lazy family member, his younger bro, who is watching batman, and asks "what's the fourth letter of the alphabet?" the kid just reports; "dunna dunna batman!!" satisfied the boy goes to bed.

The next day at school the teacher asks "so can you please start by saying the first letter of the alphabet?" "oh be quiet!" the boy remarks rudely, angered the teacher asks "do you want to principles office!!!" "Yes!!!" the boy replies. The crazed teacher says "how many spankings do you want!!" again with pride the boy says "101." the maddened teacher then asks "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!!???!!!" the boy remarks "dunna dunna batman!"


De end (mostly for the boy

[ArtStar]

I like the creativity. Ha ha

[Artentreri]

You know you can edit your posts right? Like, add more to one instead of having to post six times.

[Gaunab]

12, actually.

touché :pirate:

[Artentreri]

touché :pirate:

Got a little captain in ye?

[Gaunab]

Got a little captain in ye?

Aye! ;)

[Swords]

I feel so wierd when i see chickens eating chicken nuggets -_-

[ArtStar]

I'm so broke I can't pay attention.
:vwink:

[Pokechmp]

knock knock
whos there?
smell mop
smell mop who?
no, i dont wanna

[Pokechmp]

OK a foreign dude goes to america knowing no english, so he tries to catch on. He walks into a singing court and hears "memememememeeeeeee..." He walks into a park and hears a kid yell "he stole my lollipop!" He goes into a restraunt and hears "forks and knives, forks and knives!" He then walks into an electronics shop and hears "plug it in, plug it in!" The he sees a dead body with a policeman by it. The policeman yells "who killed this guy?!" The dude says "memememememeeeeeee...". The policeman says "why did you do it?" The foreign dude replies "he stole my lollipop!" "What did you kill him with?" the policeman asks. The dude says "forks and knives, forks and knives!" The police takes the dude to the station and sits him on an electric chair. "Any last words?" the policeman says. The foreign dude happily replies "plug it in, plug it in!"

[Xionskull]

OK a foreign dude goes to america knowing no english, so he tries to catch on. He walks into a singing court and hears "memememememeeeeeee..." He walks into a park and hears a kid yell "he stole my lollipop!" He goes into a restraunt and hears "forks and knives, forks and knives!" He then walks into an electronics shop and hears "plug it in, plug it in!" The he sees a dead body with a policeman by it. The policeman yells "who killed this guy?!" The dude says "memememememeeeeeee...". The policeman says "why did you do it?" The foreign dude replies "he stole my lollipop!" "What did you kill him with?" the policeman asks. The dude says "forks and knives, forks and knives!" The police takes the dude to the station and sits him on an electric chair. "Any last words?" the policeman says. The foreign dude happily replies "plug it in, plug it in!"<LAUGH OUT LOUD> I always love that one. Btw it smells so much like up dog in here

[Swords]

ok a foreign dude goes to america knowing no english, so he tries to catch on. He walks into a singing court and hears "memememememeeeeeee..." he walks into a park and hears a kid yell "he stole my lollipop!" he goes into a restraunt and hears "forks and knives, forks and knives!" he then walks into an electronics shop and hears "plug it in, plug it in!" the he sees a dead body with a policeman by it. The policeman yells "who killed this guy?!" the dude says "memememememeeeeeee...". The policeman says "why did you do it?" the foreign dude replies "he stole my lollipop!" "what did you kill him with?" the policeman asks. The dude says "forks and knives, forks and knives!" the police takes the dude to the station and sits him on an electric chair. "any last words?" the policeman says. The foreign dude happily replies "plug it in, plug it in!"

omg! Haha!

[NotYoCookiez]

I gotta admit. I skipped through all the long jokes XD

Here's a short one:

What do you call a computer that can sing?




ADELE !!!!!

HAHAHAHALOLOLROFLXD

[Buster]

Ok 2 people were walking in a forest, one of them drops dead. The one guy calls 911 and says "help! My friend is dead!"
The operator replied "Ok calm down. First make sure he's dead"
There was a silence, then a gunfire the guy says to the operator "Ok, what next?"

[Artentreri]

Ok 2 people were walking in a forest, one of them drops dead. The one guy calls 911 and says "help! My friend is dead!"
The operator replied "Ok calm down. First make sure he's dead"
There was a silence, then a gunfire the guy says to the operator "Ok, what next?"
Ha!

[Xionskull]

Thee girlz, and redhead, brunette, and a blonde walked over a magic wishing bridge. One jumped off and said "bird" and so she flew off... The next one jumped off and said "butterfly" and so she soared off... And then the blonde tripped and fell off the bridge and said "crap".

[Artentreri]

Thee girlz, and redhead, brunette, and a blonde walked over a magic wishing bridge. One jumped off and said "bird" and so she flew off... The next one jumped off and said "butterfly" and so she soared off... And then the blonde tripped and fell off the bridge and said "crap".

How do you drown a blonde?


Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

[Corey Krichbaum]

lol

[Swords]

Thee girlz, and redhead, brunette, and a blonde walked over a magic wishing bridge. One jumped off and said "bird" and so she flew off... The next one jumped off and said "butterfly" and so she soared off... And then the blonde tripped and fell off the bridge and said "crap".

THEE???

[Otukura]

Parth was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His horrible wife was
really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Parth has been missing since Friday.

Trew story gaiz; I just got back from the future. Parth, do your best to change the future.

[razerfingers]

Parth was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His horrible wife was
really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Parth has been missing since Friday.

Trew story gaiz; I just got back from the future. Parth, do your best to change the future.

Rofl!

Sent from my PG86100 using Tapatalk

[Yaranas]

Lol! These jokes are getting better and better.

[Otukura]

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything??"

"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"

====================================


No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

=====================================

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM:

1. Describe your problem:
_________________________________________________
__________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________________
_____________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________

4. Problem severity:
A. Minor
B. Minor
C. Minor
D. Trivial

5. Nature of the problem:

A. ___Locked Up
B. ___Frozen
C. ___Hung
D. ___Strange Smell

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __

7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __

9. Have you made it worse? Yes __

10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred?
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________

18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in:
__________________________________________________ _
__________________________________________________ _

19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__

24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __

========================================

Subject: -What software version are you running?

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately.

I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off.

But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.

I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.

***google it to see the rest, the last 2/3s are too inappropriate for here :/. This is why I miss the DotA forums.

=============================

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

===========================

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a ***** (<-- if you don't know what it means, don't look it up :)) sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

[Artentreri]

Hilarious.

[Yaranas]

Attention! Has anyone lost a roll of.twenty dollar bills?

If you have we found rubber bands!

[Swords]

7523

[Elyseon]

A pastor, a preist, and the pope walk in to a bar. The bartender stares, then asks, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"


Three men walk into a bar, one ducks.

[Elysony]

1.* A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

[Artentreri]

1.* A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Hahahaha that just ain't right.

[Pokechmp]

Some countries dont understand english too well. a sign in one country said: Please dont have babies in the building

[Yaranas]

How many cigars can you fit in a car?

5 in the car
500 in the ashtray!

[ArtStar]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because there was new content over there.

[Esoul]

Funny Lol (～￣▽￣)ノ hhaha!!

[Yaranas]

How do you keep a "kid" from jumping on the bed?

Put velcrow on the cieling!

[Yaranas]

What's the difference between bags of blood and a Nissan Skyline?

I don't have a Nissan Skyline in my garage.

[-_-Legiito]

How do u upset a crowd?

U walking on stage

[Yaranas]

A priest, a cop, and a business man walk into a bar at the same time. They look at each other, start laughing and say is this some kind of a joke?