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Glass Hole into the Oriverse

The <Chosen> - Playground of the Inner Rebel

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Quote Originally Posted by Origin View Post


28 Oct 2015

-- Transmission from True --


Dear everyone. I'm writing this posthumously (lol). I've honoured my word and haven't played the game since I deleted my avatars. However despite having kept my silence all this time, I do feel that I should at least post something private.. to give a bit of closure to anyone who's searching for it.. and to speak up for those who supported me. In doing so I'm speaking up for myself as well. I've Chosen (xD) to post it here, for those who sometimes look back in nostalgia.. coz this is mainly for you, not to gain attention from the "public" obviously. Yup, it really *is* me.

I haven't thanked you all for a wonderful time - Thank you, for gifting me some of the best times of my gaming life. Those from Five Elements, we were 300-strong and we stuck together all the way to the very end. I wish I could personally hug you all for believing in me, all through the leaderboard saga. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for giving me the privilege of serving you as guild leader, and for standing by what we represented. I've been told of some nasty comments ranging from you were somehow "paid" to stay.. and I realize that you went through a lot to defend our core values. By sticking together through all odds, you stood up for us. And for me. You really believed in us. You.. are just amazeballs.

Looking back, I think we had something really special. You see, unlike an organization, a guild is made up of people who really have no direct survival incentive to stick together. Yet despite what we went through, we had an extremely low attrition rate throughout - even when someone disbanded Chosen. You chose to join us again, not anyone else, of your own volition. I think that really says something. I'm grateful and thrilled that we all came together, and stuck together, so naturally, no bribery, no manipulation. You cannot go out and buy what we had with a million dollars or ten (trust me on that.). You made all of this possible.

AL is a really small game. I think we did well all considering. Some of the things we went through were phenomenal. I think many people couldn't believe it when we kept recovering, because there were people out there who really wanted us to fail. But probably just as many were secretly rooting for us and quietly helped from the sidelines. Even though the unwavering support floored me - from you all , from the game's "underdogs" and the clued up gamers - my social messages and activism did not go down well with game management and the players who enjoyed extra insider privileges. There are certain individuals who seem to have this unhealthy burning need to keep bringing us up as some kind of comparison, perhaps *they're* the ones who needed to bribe and manipulate to keep people in guild. Perhaps they're the ones who tried to buy happiness. There's nothing that bursts bubbles quite like a genuine thing. or maybe, it was just judged to be ...bad for business. $$$


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Think about it this way. When a guild of our size splits, people usually don't want to follow the leader anymore. But after the split, everyone that was 5E came along with us (all officers, most members), plus some AJ. This group unity was only possible because you felt at home with each other, it was everyone's labour of love. I only helped hold the space/platform for your brilliance to work its magic. Obviously, there was a huge disparity between the gossip and what we experienced for ourselves. It's very simple, if the gossip was true, you'd be elsewhere, I'd be alone. Shrug. We stuck together for a year! From when the guild was formed, right up to my retirement!

Later, an officer from one of the other guilds felt compelled to come to me. He said that in all his years of gaming, he had never seen such loyalty and complete cohesion in a group. He said, that it was mindblowing to watch. That's what we had. I will always cherish it. Because you, my dear friends, gave me the courage to follow my dream and become what I'd always wanted to be, but had my own doubts about whether my work would be meaningful considering the state of the world. You showed me that no matter how my art was received, even if there were negative or ignorant reactions and misinterpretations, I had nothing to fear. As long as I continued to create, to stay true to my vision, I would have virtually endless support of many kindred spirits like yourselves. You helped show me what was real. Your courage gave me courage. I write guides, and you all were my teachers. well met, my friends.

A fellow officer - a fellow entrepreneur - makes apps - said that the kind of effort I put into it, I should just put into a business and make real money. But tbh , I was here to experience something intangible. You helped me find that intangible-something.. and it was beyond my expectations. Guys if u're reading this, I want you to know that you all played a part in me taking a big step towards the unknown, in real life. The next step in following my dreams. So when I say I'm grateful for you, I really mean it. If you only remembered one thing from this long msg, I hope it's that you really do have the power to change others' lives just by living your inner truth, even thru a casual game - coz that's what you did.

<--- Chosen Guild - specifics ---->
The merge into Chosen had its moments. Average Joes was great. Silent Assault was a mistake. The merge failed because we merged with the wrong people. They came with a disproportionate sense of entitlement and the leadership had no interest in teaching+learning about game economics/gameplay - it was mostly an extended line chat group that didn't seem interested in gaming per se. Turns out they shared few if any of our original values as written in Five Elements.

I noticed a large number of you became less active. I opened this up for discussion and immediately you (from Five Elements) reported that you were being talked down to, made to feel small. Most of you specifically said it wasn't fun anymore because of encounters with the incoming group - they expected to be helped, but ignored you when you needed parties for runs. There were too many issues surrounding them at the time, an inertia, that basically shut down the guild's real progress. The difference in attitudes was creating a lot of conflict. You asked me to do something about it. I listened. 5E Officers and I tried to explain to the other leadership that this progress had nothing to do with ranking but it wasn't what they wanted to hear - we were #4, that's all they wanted to know. Then I wrote a guild philosophy/mission statement and conflict mediation piece as a last gift to set the guild off on the right course before I reassigned my duties and retired - much props to Pandamoni for her insight, helping us arrive at a combined vision. Unfortunately the prev GM's emotions got the better of her and she deleted the Officer group along with the post that I wrote with Panda's contribution. Name:  trueorign - finger.jpg
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Size:  12.0 KB I was told they did not believe I was to retire, that it was some kind of trick - actually the boring truth was that I was doing a proper handover before retirement. If your aircraft is going "stall stall", the captain doesn't go "oh hey it's time for my rest, good luck see you later" and dump it on the first officer. He gets the s**t under control first before going to take his mandatory rest. Logic man, logic. They generated anger over a young player to force a split, interestingly they kicked him from the split-off guild later too. Clearly we were stronger on our own.. you guys said asmuch. After the split, we had a chance to rebuild but by then I had put my retirement off too long. It had been 2 years of gaming for me, I had planned to quit around after Goblin so I could continue creating my life's work. Later at a 5E officer's request I decided it would be after Ursoth. So quite shortly after the split, we re-grouped successfully, I retired, and later I understand the leaders decided it was best to leave it at that due to work commitments.

<--- end of guild specifics ---->

Letting go of what I had was a very difficult decision for me. The passion that underlies everything I've done is very real. Yes I had timed run friends. I had inventories. But mostly, I had you.





Now although we spent much time together, I've never shared who I am, not because I don't trust you or am being snooty; It's because there were more important things I wanted to bring focus to. Most times, I've just felt content to hang back and say little or nothing, simply enjoy the present moment with you. But now I think I can indulge in sharing a bit more since those people who originally swarmed around the drama have gone, which means I can do it without feeding those egos (boy , back then, did they cry out to be fed, lol~)

Right now I'm sitting in a room of chocobos with a handmade streetsign "rue de chocobo", at a desk I rehashed from scrap material. The view from my easel used to be rather boring, so I put together a garden of little miracles on the Juliet balcony - red roses, hydrangeas with bursts of purple and pink. Looking at them makes me smile and think of the little miracles in my own life. I'm working on some personal projects, one of which is my first graphic novel. Piecing together my blog. Following my childhood dreams! I used to self-publish comic books when I was 11 years old, about 50 episodes in total. The themes were existential, questioning war of "races" and social conditioning.. told through the eyes of children. They got quite popular at school. I didn't think about charging them for it but my extremely enterprising younger sister had a thing or two to teach - she had the boys lined up wanting to pay $5 per custom comic. xD But when I got into my 20s, the world was a bit different - the trap of a glamorous world. It didn't help that I was welcomed there. I was engaged to a fashion photographer then, who was also an athlete. I called off the wedding and got myself a job that paid me to travel the world (overcame real phobia of flying).

I was very much a social butterfly in my 20s and got a lot of opportunities - which I took up fearlessly. But later I shocked everyone by withdrawing from that to rethink my life; Some part of me was calling me back to my real passion and well, you should never be afraid to break down walls and rebuild. Going into AL was a small part of that journey - games were a childhood passion, beginning at the age of 7. The way I ran in Arcane Legends events was a bit like how I went through school. Usually asleep (afk), helping others out or working on things I might publish, never caring to do homework (my own AP). Then once in a blue moon I'll wake up for the quiz/test/competition and people will sometimes ask if I cheated, just because it was so "stealth", coming out of nowhere to top the charts (incidentally, I like Metal Gear Solid). But those at school learned to embrace my talents, they had my best interests at heart.

<--- about events & haters ---->
A handful in AL did not have my best interests at heart, not many of them but they seem quite over-represented on forum and under-represented in-game. Some reactions were so exaggerated it was easy not to take it personally, especially when you take into account that maybe they had some life struggles you don't know about, or maybe they just haven't had the chance to explore much outside of where they are. Assuming you know what I'm talking about, you'd immediately pick out that this is not the behaviour of adults who are living authentically and consciously in real-life. These are people who are living "unconsciously", meaning their lives and behavioural patterns are *mostly* still being dictated by their life circumstances and by the limitations that people from their childhood+society conditioned them to believe. Their behaviour stems from insecurity - of feeling afraid, out of control. They've not freed themselves from it, maybe they are not even aware of it yet. I'm sure that would solve itself once they give themselves the opportunity to open up and the see the world from a wider perspective. To be honest, I was more curious than anything, about why people would choose what they chose when games offer a chance to build anything you wanna build, to literally be anyone you wanted to be. If virtually all your current limitations and fears were removed, why would you not want to experience pushing your real limits.. free your mind. Eh I dunno.

Also I think that the people who called the way I ran events "unhealthy" should just admit they made bad judgments based on gossip from their own small cliques and not actual fact. Tbh, they could've just asked me. But they were after the instant emotional gratification so everything they did arose out of that. I know some people were hoping I'd speak up, but tbh it's a waste of energy. It feeds people who need to sustain drama to feel alive, which makes it worse. Removing yourself from the situation is the way to go, if you can help it, because it gives those people time to heal - which I did, all I did was run official & self-created events, and timed runs - the next step would be quitting the game. Besides why worry if it can't be helped, they'd just spew their pain at you uncontrollably if you stuck around for it. Negativity is infectious, why let them sap your precious energy. It wouldn't make a difference if I dished out advice on how to run these events, or share mind/body knowledge so they wouldn't have "breathing problems" or not know how to get l̶a̶i̶d̶ sleep/food/drink. They did not ask for this advice, those weren't their motives. It wouldn't make a difference if I explained that I was heavily involved in debate, theatre and track & field (timed runner, geddit? haw haw), placed in a couple of video game competitions, and have trophies for all of those. Because they weren't exactly trying to get to know me, they came as egos wanting to be fed. If anything telling them that would just make them feel worse; In their state of mind they'd prolly see it as invitation to compare. I can't be expected to take responsibility for others' decisions and choices in life. And well, tbh I came to play a video game not to become the Oprah of AL forums. If you have the technology to play a free online video game, you can definitely help yourself. I think some of them should consider dropping gaming and moving into journalism, since they talk so much. Or pay a therapist to deal with their insecurities/emotional problems. Rather than letting it hang all out there.

<--- end of events/haters ---->

Anyway, I hope that all of you are out there living fulfilled lives, on your own terms.. I want you to know that you've all made a difference in my life, that I am better for it - I'm content to retire from mmo's. Whenever I look back on the time we had together, I'm filled with nothing but gratitude. Peace out, ex-Chosen, ex-Five Elements! Perhaps we may meet again one day, in a different reality till then, you will always be in my dreams.. and in my heart.

Yours Faithfully, Trueorigin / Trueorigins .

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Updated 11-08-2015 at 05:36 AM by Origin

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  1. Fyrce's Avatar
    Wow. Nostalgic! Thank you so much for the memories and stories. I did not remember a lot of the background but it was fun while it lasted!