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[Removed because it was too bad]
Hiya, cool poem. I think you just need to run through it and fix up some spelling and grammar mistakes, there are a lot of unnecessary commas. It would also be best to try to condense your poem, remove lines that aren't needed and revamp particular stances with more adjectives, similes and metaphors to really capture to reader! If you love writing, keep writing! Best of luck :).