Official Joke Thread

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pokechmp

ok a foreign dude goes to america knowing no english, so he tries to catch on. He walks into a singing court and hears "memememememeeeeeee..." he walks into a park and hears a kid yell "he stole my lollipop!" he goes into a restraunt and hears "forks and knives, forks and knives!" he then walks into an electronics shop and hears "plug it in, plug it in!" the he sees a dead body with a policeman by it. The policeman yells "who killed this guy?!" the dude says "memememememeeeeeee...". The policeman says "why did you do it?" the foreign dude replies "he stole my lollipop!" "what did you kill him with?" the policeman asks. The dude says "forks and knives, forks and knives!" the police takes the dude to the station and sits him on an electric chair. "any last words?" the policeman says. The foreign dude happily replies "plug it in, plug it in!"

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omg! Haha!

I gotta admit. I skipped through all the long jokes XD

Here's a short one:

What do you call a computer that can sing?




ADELE !!!!!

HAHAHAHALOLOLROFLXD

Ok 2 people were walking in a forest, one of them drops dead. The one guy calls 911 and says "help! My friend is dead!"
The operator replied "Ok calm down. First make sure he's dead"
There was a silence, then a gunfire the guy says to the operator "Ok, what next?"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Buster

Ok 2 people were walking in a forest, one of them drops dead. The one guy calls 911 and says "help! My friend is dead!"
The operator replied "Ok calm down. First make sure he's dead"
There was a silence, then a gunfire the guy says to the operator "Ok, what next?"

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Ha!

Thee girlz, and redhead, brunette, and a blonde walked over a magic wishing bridge. One jumped off and said "bird" and so she flew off... The next one jumped off and said "butterfly" and so she soared off... And then the blonde tripped and fell off the bridge and said "crap".

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Xionskull

Thee girlz, and redhead, brunette, and a blonde walked over a magic wishing bridge. One jumped off and said "bird" and so she flew off... The next one jumped off and said "butterfly" and so she soared off... And then the blonde tripped and fell off the bridge and said "crap".

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How do you drown a blonde?


Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

lol

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Xionskull

Thee girlz, and redhead, brunette, and a blonde walked over a magic wishing bridge. One jumped off and said "bird" and so she flew off... The next one jumped off and said "butterfly" and so she soared off... And then the blonde tripped and fell off the bridge and said "crap".

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THEE???

Parth was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His horrible wife was
really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Parth has been missing since Friday.

Trew story gaiz; I just got back from the future. Parth, do your best to change the future.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Otukura

Parth was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His horrible wife was
really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Parth has been missing since Friday.

Trew story gaiz; I just got back from the future. Parth, do your best to change the future.

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Rofl!

Sent from my PG86100 using Tapatalk

Lol! These jokes are getting better and better.

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything??"

"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"

====================================


No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

=====================================

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM:

1. Describe your problem:
_________________________________________________
__________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________________
_____________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________

4. Problem severity:
A. Minor
B. Minor
C. Minor
D. Trivial

5. Nature of the problem:

A. ___Locked Up
B. ___Frozen
C. ___Hung
D. ___Strange Smell

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __

7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __

9. Have you made it worse? Yes __

10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred?
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________

18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in:
__________________________________________________ _
__________________________________________________ _

19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__

24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __

========================================

Subject: -What software version are you running?

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately.

I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off.

But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.

I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.

***google it to see the rest, the last 2/3s are too inappropriate for here :/. This is why I miss the DotA forums.

=============================

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

===========================

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a ***** (<-- if you don't know what it means, don't look it up :)) sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Hilarious.

Attention! Has anyone lost a roll of.twenty dollar bills?

If you have we found rubber bands!

Attachment 7523

A pastor, a preist, and the pope walk in to a bar. The bartender stares, then asks, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"


Three men walk into a bar, one ducks.

1.* A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Elysony

1.* A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

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Hahahaha that just ain't right.

Some countries dont understand english too well. a sign in one country said: Please dont have babies in the building

How many cigars can you fit in a car?

5 in the car
500 in the ashtray!