I finally figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write fan fictions. No one ever makes fan fictions into Major Motion Pictures or Video Games starring Tom Cruise or Solid Snake. The best you can hope for, with a fan fiction, is that people will like it enough to print it out and attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit.
So I tried something new, I wrote more fan fictions, a Star Legends suspense fiction to be precise. It has everything. Sex. Violence. Sex. Death. Scorn. Dead Scorn. Here's what the critics are saying
"A very short, strange fiction." - the Onion, Chronicle Veggie
"?" - critic-bot XHK-2000, Slouch-O productions
"Not enough sex." - UC daily
No doubt you motion-picture directors or video game developers out there would like to see what these critics are raving about, so you can send me lucrative offers. Here it is, enjoy.
Chapter 1
Bob Borhork, an engineer, stode into the UC spherical office. He looked like Tom Cruise, or, if he is available and not violating any copyrights, Solid Snake. Behind the desk sat governor Underwood, the governor of Voleria. To her left, in the corner, stood the admiral. Bob sensed that something was wrong.
"Unless we act quickly" the governor said, "within the next few hours Voleria will be blown to pieces the size of Kentucky McBurgerking chicken nuggets!"
Bob frowned, "We better act quickly then."
The governor looked thoughtful, "That might just work. Use whatever means you consider necessary, including frequent casual sex."
Chapter 2
In the Scorn battleship, General Zabra Rasdf frowned at Admiral Klura jhqwerty.
"It is absolutely essential that the humans do not suspect anything." Zabra said.
"Yes, general." Klura agreed.
Zabra frowned.
"Shouldn't we be speaking Scorn?" he asked.
Klura looked thoughtful.
"We should at least have accents."
Chapter 3
Suddenly, it struck Bob the engineer. The spherical office doesn't have corners.
Chapter 4
Some 314 miles away from Voleria, Bob had sex.
Chapter 5
"Blarkkh," General Zabra said, "zzzhhesssh huuuummmaannn enghghggiinnneeer, wwwreee mush keelh heeim."
"Zzzhat'sh he trooof," Admiral Klura agreed, "Ulleeessshh wree duu, hhree gon' messh up zhhhe plan tuuu blowh up zhesh worlhhh."
Chapter 6
General Zabra frowned at Admiral Klura.
"Blimey." he said.
Chapter 7
In the darkened room, Bob the engineer could see the shadowy figure who threatened to destroy his beloved Voleria, who had led Bob on this desperate chase across 785369832 planets, a race filled with terror and death and crappy accents which could have been their major world religion, and all leading to this instant. Bob and the shadowy figure, alone in the dark. Slowly, almost reluctantly, Bob reached for his hand blasters. He fired. The lights suddenly turned on. The shadowy figure turned, slowly, slowly. At last, Bob could see its face.
It was a big surprise.
Chapter 8
"Thank you for saving Voleria from impending doom, Bob." governor Underwood said, "but I have one question: How did you know Zyra couldn't summon vortexes?"
"Easy, ma'am," Bob answered, "you see, Zyra is left-handed, so the vortex couldn't possibly have been purple, which is the normal color of an actual vortex."
"I never would have thought of that," the governor said.
The admiral frowned at the names coming up out of the floor and drifting towards the ceiling so the audience would know who had played what part.
"Hey," he said, "these names are backwards."
Originally Posted by Solid Scorpion
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