SL humor column (Lol)

**Solid Scorpion** · 02-18-2014, 04:54 AM

The wonderful thing about humor is that what may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like a complete scream to another, especially if he just had 7-8 cans of Cy-cola. Well, most people do tend to agree on what's funny, and they of course would want to hang out with a person that has a remarkable sense of humor, provided that he brushes his teeth at least once a day. But one thousand-year question remains: How do we make people laugh without using the word "booger"? That of course is not an easy question, even after the 21st century, us wise people have been fretting our heads to understand what makes people laugh. That's why we're called wise people. While the Scorn were still out there in some distant galaxy shooting each other with premature laser beams, us wise people were back in our little compartments playing Star Legends on our ipads/iphone/whatever and saying, "How about this? Here's my AMP pistol, please take it right now. No, I mean, Would you like some free stuff? Here's my AMP pistol. No, how about..." Mankind didn't develop a logical sense of humor until the early 22nd century, when the famous smart AI Siri discovered, while Steve Jobs' body double clone was shaving, the famous humor logarithm, which states, "If A is equal to B, and B is equal to C, then it would not be particularly amusing if pi is equal to 3.254659888888888..." After the unfortunate major malfunction of the now defunct Siri, and the first UCS's launch into outer space, humor had become extremely popular...

Title said it all, think of anything funny about SL, could be a simple 2 sentence joke, a meme, rage comics, a funny event, or a long rant about something ridiculous, etc, your choice.

Could be random, ludicrous, whatever, as long as it's abiding by the forum rules and relating to SL, go for it.

Make us LOL and make our day! XD

**DocDoBig** · 02-18-2014, 05:01 AM

"Do not open Chests and you will get Napalm 100%!"

~Random Player that believes on rumors

**Illusive Man** · 02-18-2014, 05:15 AM

"Unequip ur pet or i boot you from game"
Was a former noob guild member of mine.
I took actions against him after he kicked me

**Matutd** · 02-18-2014, 05:36 AM

I know a joke..
Star Legends

**Xarxas** · 02-18-2014, 02:53 PM

Lol when people tell me not to open a box I do it anyway ^_^

**Dragoonclaws** · 02-18-2014, 07:36 PM

After completing a map.... I BOOT EVERY BODY!!!!!! XD

For reason:ITS DONE!!!!

**Solid Scorpion** · 02-19-2014, 07:02 AM

I finally figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write fan fictions. No one ever makes fan fictions into Major Motion Pictures or Video Games starring Tom Cruise or Solid Snake. The best you can hope for, with a fan fiction, is that people will like it enough to print it out and attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit.

So I tried something new, I wrote more fan fictions, a Star Legends suspense fiction to be precise. It has everything. Sex. Violence. Sex. Death. Scorn. Dead Scorn. Here's what the critics are saying

"A very short, strange fiction." - the Onion, Chronicle Veggie

"?" - critic-bot XHK-2000, Slouch-O productions

"Not enough sex." - UC daily

No doubt you motion-picture directors or video game developers out there would like to see what these critics are raving about, so you can send me lucrative offers. Here it is, enjoy.

Chapter 1
Bob Borhork, an engineer, stode into the UC spherical office. He looked like Tom Cruise, or, if he is available and not violating any copyrights, Solid Snake. Behind the desk sat governor Underwood, the governor of Voleria. To her left, in the corner, stood the admiral. Bob sensed that something was wrong.

"Unless we act quickly" the governor said, "within the next few hours Voleria will be blown to pieces the size of Kentucky McBurgerking chicken nuggets!"

Bob frowned, "We better act quickly then."

The governor looked thoughtful, "That might just work. Use whatever means you consider necessary, including frequent casual sex."

Chapter 2
In the Scorn battleship, General Zabra Rasdf frowned at Admiral Klura jhqwerty.

"It is absolutely essential that the humans do not suspect anything." Zabra said.

"Yes, general." Klura agreed.

Zabra frowned.

"Shouldn't we be speaking Scorn?" he asked.

Klura looked thoughtful.

"We should at least have accents."

Chapter 3
Suddenly, it struck Bob the engineer. The spherical office doesn't have corners.

Chapter 4
Some 314 miles away from Voleria, Bob had sex.

Chapter 5
"Blarkkh," General Zabra said, "zzzhhesssh huuuummmaannn enghghggiinnneeer, wwwreee mush keelh heeim."

"Zzzhat'sh he trooof," Admiral Klura agreed, "Ulleeessshh wree duu, hhree gon' messh up zhhhe plan tuuu blowh up zhesh worlhhh."

Chapter 6
General Zabra frowned at Admiral Klura.

"Blimey." he said.

Chapter 7
In the darkened room, Bob the engineer could see the shadowy figure who threatened to destroy his beloved Voleria, who had led Bob on this desperate chase across 785369832 planets, a race filled with terror and death and crappy accents which could have been their major world religion, and all leading to this instant. Bob and the shadowy figure, alone in the dark. Slowly, almost reluctantly, Bob reached for his hand blasters. He fired. The lights suddenly turned on. The shadowy figure turned, slowly, slowly. At last, Bob could see its face.

It was a big surprise.

Chapter 8
"Thank you for saving Voleria from impending doom, Bob." governor Underwood said, "but I have one question: How did you know Zyra couldn't summon vortexes?"

"Easy, ma'am," Bob answered, "you see, Zyra is left-handed, so the vortex couldn't possibly have been purple, which is the normal color of an actual vortex."

"I never would have thought of that," the governor said.

The admiral frowned at the names coming up out of the floor and drifting towards the ceiling so the audience would know who had played what part.

"Hey," he said, "these names are backwards."

**Dragoonclaws** · 02-19-2014, 09:54 PM

Originally Posted by Solid Scorpion

Chapter 3
Suddenly, it struck Bob the engineer. The spherical office doesn't have corners.

Chapter 4
Some 314 miles away from Voleria, Bob had sex.

Chapter 6
General Zabra frowned at Admiral Klura.

"Blimey." he said.

I never saw such small chapters.

Btw, I can produce movies. The only problem is: I need real people on a real scene/ green screen and we must make our own costumes.

Don't beleive me?

See this funny movie: Doritos -- by WIN

I produced it with no script... The guys just shooted movie parts and gave it to me, they had no specific idea in mind. They just asked me to produce something with that.

**Solid Scorpion** · 02-20-2014, 05:47 AM

Originally Posted by Dragoonclaws

I never saw such small chapters.

Btw, I can produce movies. The only problem is: I need real people on a real scene/ green screen and we must make our own costumes.

Don't beleive me?

See this funny movie: Doritos -- by WIN

I produced it with no script... The guys just shooted movie parts and gave it to me, they had no specific idea in mind. They just asked me to produce something with that.

Well don't really expect this to be a movie, just making fun of a current trend (you know, sex cells in movies)

**Solid Scorpion** · 02-20-2014, 06:15 AM

I have this idea for a new cartoon series. It would be patterned after the true-life experiences of Miner McGuirk, who I killed at least 100 times (which then he magically re-spawns, you know, Space Time Studios and the vulars, they work together, by giving us lousy equipment and slow updates). The name of the show would be "The Big Fat Miner."

Here's the theme song:

Who's the big Miner?
Miner McGuirk!
Who's the fat Miner?
Miner McGuirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk...
Kinda big, kinda strong,
Stupid as a log.

Each episode would be about an exciting true event that happened to Miner McGuirk. For example, here's the script for the episode "Miner McGuirk kills a noob"

It is 1630 hours, UC standards. Miner McGuirk is sleeping in his lair. Suddenly he hears a sound. His head snaps up. Somebody is coming! Time to swing into action! Miner McGuirk lumbers down the path, and then to his total shock, he finds: A commando! Whom he had not seen since 40 SECONDS AGO! YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!
Miner McGuirk: Yaaaarrrrr!
Noob Commando: Contact!
Now Miner McGuirk charges towards the commando. It is a slim chance he could beat him. He had only killed the commando for the past 3598762723899 consecutive times. But just in case, Miner McGuirk is ready.
Miner McGuirk: Grrrrrrr!
Can it possibly be? Yes! This is unbelievable! The noob is coming for him! Looks like he could finally kill him! YAAAAYYYY!
Noob Commando: Why won't you die?!?!?!?!?
Now that the commando had spent all his ammo in his rifle, Miner McGuirk realizes that, at this rate, it would take the noob a full 0.000001 second to reload. This is bad. He needs help. Miner McGuirk immediately charges forward and applies 561048297482317095 pounds of force to the noob.
Miner McGuirk: Haaarrr!
Noob Commando: *** no!
And now the noob is sent flying across the lair, Miner McGuirk is up, looking left, looking right. His finely honed senses absorbed every detail of the environment, looking for....Holy Smokes! There they are, the rocks, up on the ceiling! This is turning out to be an UNBELIEVABLE adventure!!!
Miner McGuirk: Ahhaaarrr!
Miner McGuirk is vaguely troubled. Some primitive version of a though is rattling around inside his tiny cerebral cortex, like peas in a can of peas. For he senses that there is some reason why the rocks are there. They want Miner McGuirk to do something. But what could it be? Before Miner McGuirk can think of an answer...he felt...is this possible! Yes! the noob is still ALIVE!!! Yikes! Full red alert!
Miner McGuirk: Grrrrrr.
Noob commando: c'mon stimpacks, work!
Miner McGuirk: Yaaarrr!
No questions about it. The evidence was clear. The rocks are there for a reason, that's right. And what's more, it's - this is so incredible - BLACK ROCKS! There are BLACK rocks! Right here in the mine!
Noob commando: DIE!
Miner McGuirk: AHAAARR!
Miner McGuirk is getting the gist of an idea. At first it seems profound. But the more he thinks about it, the more he thinks - hey, that's it! The idea is - get ready - Miner McGuirk is going to smash the ground and hurt himself with BLACK rocks! Right now! It's crazy, but it just might work!
Noob commando: Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! X_x
What was that? It was a sound! Definitely. A sound coming from below. Yes! No questions about it. This is unbelievable. It's the NOOB lying on the ground! YAAAAYYYY!
Noob commando: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu....
Theme song singer: Miner McGuirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk...
Noob commando: uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu -
Miner McGuirk: Yarrrk!

Bear in mind that this is only one episode. There are many other ones: "Miner McGuirk plays with squid-heads," "Miner McGuirk gets electrocuted and screams real loud for the next 184 minutes," etc. It would be the kind of show young kids could watch, mainly because there would be extremely little sex, thanks to an earlier episode, "Miner McGuirk has a situation."

**Fluttershai** · 02-26-2014, 09:39 PM

Originally Posted by Solid Scorpion

"Miner McGuirk has a situation."

0_o that took me a while.

Random hilarious things, I like them

**Dragoonclaws** · 02-26-2014, 10:56 PM

did the miner get xp for killing the noob?

**Churjya** · 02-28-2014, 07:26 AM

Type "/host" and look for the " no player is the host" --- yai do whatever you want in the game. Haha...

**Dragoonclaws** · 02-28-2014, 06:46 PM

Originally Posted by Churjya

Type "/host" and look for the " no player is the host" --- yai do whatever you want in the game. Haha...

nah, not when I'm in the game... because i always host my maps

and that's nasty tho

**Churjya** · 02-28-2014, 08:14 PM

Originally Posted by Dragoonclaws

nah, not when I'm in the game... because i always host my maps

and that's nasty tho

ok ok...

**Solid Scorpion** · 03-01-2014, 03:15 AM

Like most veterans, I was thrilled when I received the permission to explore the depths of the Hive, where the air quality is as good as durian. It wasn't very easy, desperately clawing your way through eggs the size of research submarines, and most of all, the vulars. So I hereby present THE guide of surviving a Hive expedition.

When we are talking about the Hive, we naturally have to bring up some safety concerns, specifically death by vulars, more specifically death by vular tanks. It's really hard to stay alive when there are bugs lurking around the corners with the size of guest bathrooms, with pincers as sharp as my very sharp potato peeler. According to the UC vular research terminal, the eye of a vular tank is - amazingly true fact - coming right up - 18 inches in diameter. Think about it, think about the sheer size of that eyeball, think of all the pranks you could play if you get your hands on an eyeball like that.

"Well, Mr. and Mrs.Eggnog, here's your new born child!"
"AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

But this is not the time for light-hearted humor. This is the time to learn about surviving a vular encounter. Here is what is suggested by various vular safety manuals.

1. Don't panic, remember, the vulars does not necessarily want to eat you. Oh sure they want to eat somebody, but it doesn't have to be you.
2. Scream: "Here! Eat Bob!"

Vular specialists always recommend you to have unpopular party members ready for emergency human sacrifices. However, they do not have to be named Bob. You can just claim they are named Bob, because you are dealing with vulars.

Now we've gone through the procedure of surviving vular encounters, let's go on with the procedure of blowing up eggs (teeheehee). The UC vular research terminals always recommend you to have teammates with you when dealing with this kind of business, but I would not recommend so. I have proof.

Because sooner or later you will come to the understanding that the only 4 commands your teammates understand in terms of this situation are:

1. Shoot that egg.
2. Ouch! no the other egg.
3. Argh! no the OTHER egg over THERE, dammit!
4. Nevermind.

One final advice for you, would be that you and your teammates should ALWAYS go to the restroom before going in. For the old restroom in the infested lab uses a series of complex sewage system, which often involve you seeing a vular head sticking out of the toilet seat. Which is why when you ABSOLUTELY have to go to the restroom during the Hive expedition, you may want to send Bob in there first.

**Churjya** · 03-01-2014, 08:49 AM

Originally Posted by Solid Scorpion

Like most veterans, I was thrilled when I received the permission to explore the depths of the Hive, where the air quality is as good as durian. It wasn't very easy, desperately clawing your way through eggs the size of research submarines, and most of all, the vulars. So I hereby present THE guide of surviving a Hive expedition.

When we are talking about the Hive, we naturally have to bring up some safety concerns, specifically death by vulars, more specifically death by vular tanks. It's really hard to stay alive when there are bugs lurking around the corners with the size of guest bathrooms, with pincers as sharp as my very sharp potato peeler. According to the UC vular research terminal, the eye of a vular tank is - amazingly true fact - coming right up - 18 inches in diameter. Think about it, think about the sheer size of that eyeball, think of all the pranks you could play if you get your hands on an eyeball like that.

"Well, Mr. and Mrs.Eggnog, here's your new born child!"
"AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

But this is not the time for light-hearted humor. This is the time to learn about surviving a vular encounter. Here is what is suggested by various vular safety manuals.

1. Don't panic, remember, the vulars does not necessarily want to eat you. Oh sure they want to eat somebody, but it doesn't have to be you.
2. Scream: "Here! Eat Bob!"

Vular specialists always recommend you to have unpopular party members ready for emergency human sacrifices. However, they do not have to be named Bob. You can just claim they are named Bob, because you are dealing with vulars.

Now we've gone through the procedure of surviving vular encounters, let's go on with the procedure of blowing up eggs (teeheehee). The UC vular research terminals always recommend you to have teammates with you when dealing with this kind of business, but I would not recommend so. I have proof.

Because sooner or later you will come to the understanding that the only 4 commands your teammates understand in terms of this situation are:

1. Shoot that egg.
2. Ouch! no the other egg.
3. Argh! no the OTHER egg over THERE, dammit!
4. Nevermind.

One final advice for you, would be that you and your teammates should ALWAYS go to the restroom before going in. For the old restroom in the infested lab uses a series of complex sewage system, which often involve you seeing a vular head sticking out of the toilet seat. Which is why when you ABSOLUTELY have to go to the restroom during the Hive expedition, you may want to send Bob in there first.

Hmmm...i forgot to read this before. I could survive hive. They ate me.luckily I am not digestible. Still playing hive!