Blackstar origins story

[starsavior]

I would like to know your opinion on me and the members of physical destruction creating a history and backstory about the npc's items and starring blackstar in all her glory. I'm probably going to do it anyway. If all goes well ill do some sequels. Anyways thx for checking out the thread

[Eyesharp]

If you can pull this off,I'll say you'd be a hit.

[starsavior]

I would like to know some of your ideas too

[starsavior]

I'll be releasing the prologue shortly

[starsavior]

Prologue-first draft

From early age children who choose to enlist in the UC choose between a commando (heavy tank), an operative (sly duel wielder), or an engineer(healer) to be there "class". They are physically augmented to be able to with stand great trauma and to make use of there special armor. They live on the mighty UCS Blackstar, but what is the Blackstar you may ask and what hardships has she endured. Well i'll tell you.

[Cahaun]

Good start! I was thinking of doing the PL series early today!

[starsavior]

Lol thx is like to see your work.

[starsavior]

*i would

[gotrocks420]

Good start!
Couple quick suggestions: (Dont take offense to these, please! To be a better writer you have to take the good and bad input =)

When introducing the 'classes' of sl, try to be more fluid in your description. Not sure what your goal is here but what you have now sounds like the back of the Starlegends gamebox youd see at gamestop. It sounds like you want to write more of a story-type thing here, and to do that you want to create a believable universe for your reader to immerse themselves in. Instead of saying the three classes are blahblahblah, try something like this:
An elite and essential piece of the blackstar security force are the so-called commandos. Trained from birth to be human tanks, there are few forces in the universe that could topple one of these formidable soldiers.

Also, try to keep 'i'll' 'me' 'you' etc out of you story. this disconnects your reader from your fantasy/sci fi universe and reminds them they are reading a story. This technique can be used very effictively in some stories, but id guess a scifi novel based on star legebds would not be one of them. I know its hard, but pick another perspective and stick with it!

I had some more to pitch in here but kiddos r screamin and i gotta run - ill try to edit in more later

[starsavior]

Thank you so much for the feedback I will rewrite it and show it to guys soon.

[starsavior]

I was trying to sound like a narrator in the prologue then jump into a mixture of biography and story telling.

[gotrocks420]

I was trying to sound like a narrator in the prologue then jump into a mixture of biography and story telling.

Thats what i was thinking when i read your draft. Problem is, if you switch perspectives alot (going from 3rd narrative, to 3rd person, to 1st person etc., really confuses your reader)

Keep in mind that the most important thing in a sci-fi/fantasy novel is believablity. It may not be possible for a giant-north-america-sized spaceship to house millions of inhabitants, or that Sauron is a giant flaming eye atop a tall black spire, but you need to make your reader believe it is.
Two more important things to remember:
1) Do an outline. Get a basic plot/storyline going here. Figure out who your characters are. I know you are going for a sort of 'biography' with your story, but having characters and events to tell your story instead of just doing a dry recount of whats happening will really help. Personally, and this is just me, id cut all pure biography parts and just use story telling to explain the origins of the blackstar. This could make for a very engaging story!

2) Characters characters characters! Characters, along with plots, are the two most important pieces of your story! Your characters need to have believable motivations, goals, and action to allow your reader to connect with you. I would take some time to plan out your characters just like you would with a pen and paper rpg. Remember, between your characters and your plot you have the two most important elements of any story.

3) Make sure your story has a definite beginning, middle, and end! This cant be understated!

Hope this helps, good luck with your story and please keep us updated so we can give you more criticism!

[Phoenixking]

I made short pl stories was thing of making sl but naaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!.......!!!!!!!!.........!!! !!!!...............:P O.o >

[starsavior]

My characters will be the npc's from the blackstar

[starsavior]

Ok update once I get my prologue done as practise I will begin the actual story and once you guys help me edit it I will post the whole final story on another thread for everyone to read.

[nzane]

Will Smith stars as an epic adventurer litlnzane 31 engineer. Watch as he endures countless hours running slouch for one purpose. ONE PURPOSE. Pursuit of the almighty vanity. Alas, he's adventures foresee triumph again n again , repeated and unlimited. What? Yes unlimited time n time again. Killing the mighty critic boss. As he ventures into venom/scorch. Is it a deja vu. Will he's adventures end abruptly. We will find out soon. This commercial is brought to you by burger king, have it your way.

True story.

[starsavior]

Let's try this again prologue-second draft

In early childhood children who enlist in the UC make a decision between being one of the three classes which will define themselves in battle. First there are the bulky tank like heavily trained commandos who's skills on the battlefield are unmatched, next there are the operatives who's intelligence and speed is unmatched by any, and finally their are the engineers who can repair anyone or anything. These soldiers live on the flagship of the UC fleet refered to as UCS Blackbolt who has just been completed, and so the story of the brave crew begins.

[starsavior]

Will Smith stars as an epic adventurer litlnzane 31 engineer. Watch as he endures countless hours running slouch for one purpose. ONE PURPOSE. Pursuit of the almighty vanity. Alas, he's adventures foresee triumph again n again , repeated and unlimited. What? Yes unlimited time n time again. Killing the mighty critic boss. As he ventures into venom/scorch. Is it a deja vu. Will he's adventures end abruptly. We will find out soon. This commercial is brought to you by burger king, have it your way.

lol

[Cahaun]

Will Smith stars as an epic adventurer litlnzane 31 engineer. Watch as he endures countless hours running slouch for one purpose. ONE PURPOSE. Pursuit of the almighty vanity. Alas, he's adventures foresee triumph again n again , repeated and unlimited. What? Yes unlimited time n time again. Killing the mighty critic boss. As he ventures into venom/scorch. Is it a deja vu. Will he's adventures end abruptly. We will find out soon. This commercial is brought to you by burger king, have it your way.

True story.

With Tom Hanks starring as the lvl 30 engie called Abekrie who strives for greatness through every kill! But wait! There is his greatest enemy! Micholas Rage!! ( starred by Nicholas Cage) Will Abekrie ever get to lvl 31? Will he finally kill Micholas Rage for the 1,000,000 time, or will the boredom of grinding credits and exp finish him off!?! Stayed tuned to find out.