Quote Originally Posted by Coltongadkins View Post
I guess i'll be the jerk here, I didn't see the contest, but from my perspective a fairly good story.

Now for the critique, only thing I found wrong was the ending, why split his head like a watermelon? It is different from most war stories, where the last thing the main character sees or feels is the soft caress of death inviting his tired soul and body to slip into the darkness in a gentle and peaceful slumber, from which they'll never wake. Here it was a little sudden, instead of the enemy pressing in on him enough to finally turn him into hamburger meat, or an archer arrow (maybe a sword) piercing his heart or gut allowing him to slowly fade into death, he was split like a pecan, lol maybe doctor the ending a little, but otherwise a good story.
thank you colton! Allow me to explain:

Basically, the heroic slow death is the entire story. Think about when you run into a group of mobs - youre constantly getting hit. Its the same way here (youll notice theres a line saying theres a thousand cuts in his armor, basically he is getting hit constantly from all sides but his armor is absorbing the attacks, full plate ftw!) so by the time he finally gets brought down, hes been hit a ton of times, and the splitting of his skull is a mercy. He did his heroic duty, saved the day, and took a buttload of undead with him then died a quick, clean death (being hit with a sword or spear and slowly bleeding out is a bad and painful way to go).

On a more practical note, i only had 500 words to work with (though one of the winners went way over that), and the overall theme for the story is sacrificing yourself to save others. Thank you very much for the comment!!

Also, i just realized this thread is in the wrong place! I could have sworn there was a story's forum but couldnt find it when i posted this! Maybe a board moderator could move this for me? Or if its ok to be left here thats more than ok with me.

On a side note, any chance this could be posted on the PL facebook

im thinking of offering my writing services for a small fee, immortalising your character forever in an epic story written by me and directed by you . I'd like to know if there's any interest in this, so I'll probably post another thread with another short story to gauge peoples interest. I take alot of pride in my writing so you can be rest assured any story I write for a commision will be top notch (this would be paid in gold btw, based on the length of the story).

Thanks for reading! I've rambled on long enough.