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Thread: The Sacrifice - A short story by.gotrocks

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    Member gotrocks420's Avatar
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    Default The Sacrifice - A short story by.gotrocks

    This story was submitted for nym's story contest. It didnt win but thats ok because i pulled it out of nowhere on the last day of the contest (which is when i saw the post or i would have put more thought into this..doh). But I ended up really liking the story for the most part, and i hope you enjoy too! Please leave comments and criticism below! (good or bad!) Excuse the typos, done on my cell phone!
    Quote Originally Posted by gotrocks420 View Post
    The sacrifice:

    The clash of steel rang all around him. Torak ducked under a vicious cut. The skeleton in front of him didn't have time to react before the flat of Torak's axe smashed it into a hundred pieces. He spun right, cleaving two more at the waist in one blow. The tide of bone was endless, and the small Ursan warrior company was few in number. Torak knew they could not hope to hold out much longer. The thought of his ursan brothers being defiled by these undead abominations made the bile rise in his throat. Not today bone walkers, he thought.
    The anger exploded inside him, sending him into frenzy. He leapt into the air and threw all his might into the ground. The skeletons around him were thrown off their feet, and for a moment, he could yell at his men.
    "Go! Now! You must get word to Balefort Castle! The undead approach!"
    "But sir -"
    "I will hold them here until you get back" The mad glint in the Captain's eye told the soldier he needed to go. Bones and swords were pressing in from all sides, and the group took off running, each one knowing they'd never see their friend and commander again. Torak turned and grinned at the horde in front of him, rage coursing through his veins. In one swing he shattered the nearest three to pieces, and he followed his momentum, sending another blow crashing through the ones to his left. A primal, blood curdling howl erupted from his throat. He leapt up, his axe singing as it sliced impossibly fast through the air, cleaving more bone and armor as it did so.
    There are so many, he thought, his axe doing its dance of death in a flurry around him. For every one he felled, two more leapt to take its place, but he had succeeded in his goal. His men had escaped, and would bring word to the castle so they wouldnt be caught unawares. These undead were not just reanimated bone. They moved fast, and they were smart. Torak whirled through them, a blur of blue steel and fragmented bone. The tide pressed on, and he was tiring. Even if I slay a thousand I will be lost, he thought. A swift slash from behind penetrated deep into his armor, a thousand cuts into the metal had already been made, and the next attack tore into his back. He swung around, his axe shattering his attacker. A sharp pain in his knee brought him to the ground, a sword had pierced a weakpoint in his armor. He wrenched his leg free and cut the nearest one clean in half, splitting bone from head to groin. He took a step forward, but crumpled when he put weight on his wounded leg. A blow struck his helmet and his head was suddenly ringing, which numbed the pain of more attacks piercing him from all sides. His last thought was a happy one, knowing he had saved Balefort from certain doom. They'd have time to prepare for this massive host, numbering in the tens of thousands. Then a sword split his head in two, and his world faded to black.



    Hope you enjoyed the story


    I really tried to capture the chaos of combat in the flow of the writing. You'll also notice I had wondered what various skills might look like if a bear were actually performing them. Rage is presented in the very beginning when Torak starts tearing his enemies apart, followed by a Stomp that allows his brothers-in-arms to get away. Finally you can see a Hell Scream when he lets loose his howl, and a Super Mega Slash when he leaps into the air and brings his axe down.

    Short story writing is always the most difficult, especially 500 words or less (not much room to develop...well, anything. Characters, setting, and plot end as soon as they are presented) so this contest was a great challenge to my skill as a writer. I think I wrote something I am really proud of, despite losing the contest. I hope you like reading it as much as I liked writing it!
    I can't draw, im terrible at any art form except this, so I give it my all!
    Last edited by gotrocks420; 03-22-2012 at 03:56 AM.
    o_O
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    Ugh, what a noob bear. Shoulda Beckoned before Scream and Stomp and he mighta lived. Good story though

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    Nice story. Great job dude...

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    Quote Originally Posted by RaptorBlitz View Post
    Ugh, what a noob bear. Shoulda Beckoned before Scream and Stomp and he mighta lived. Good story though


    Ahhaha this made me lol irl

    ans thank you fuzzy i appreciate that! Glad to hear you guys enjoyed it.

    I welcome negative critcism as well, so if anyone feels like throwin me on the flame im wearing my fire proof underwear (and nothing else)

    theres gotta be some.reason why i didnt win that contest lol. So theres gotta be something wrong with it .

    Maybe one of the judges can critique me? Youll never improve at anything if people dont knock you down a bit!
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    Seriously, great job.

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    A great piece of story
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    Quote Originally Posted by gotrocks420 View Post
    Ahhaha this made me lol irl

    ans thank you fuzzy i appreciate that! Glad to hear you guys enjoyed it.

    I welcome negative critcism as well, so if anyone feels like throwin me on the flame im wearing my fire proof underwear (and nothing else)

    theres gotta be some.reason why i didnt win that contest lol. So theres gotta be something wrong with it .

    Maybe one of the judges can critique me? Youll never improve at anything if people dont knock you down a bit!
    I guess i'll be the jerk here, I didn't see the contest, but from my perspective a fairly good story.

    Now for the critique, only thing I found wrong was the ending, why split his head like a watermelon? It is different from most war stories, where the last thing the main character sees or feels is the soft caress of death inviting his tired soul and body to slip into the darkness in a gentle and peaceful slumber, from which they'll never wake. Here it was a little sudden, instead of the enemy pressing in on him enough to finally turn him into hamburger meat, or an archer arrow (maybe a sword) piercing his heart or gut allowing him to slowly fade into death, he was split like a pecan, lol maybe doctor the ending a little, but otherwise a good story.
    Last edited by Coltona; 03-23-2012 at 10:26 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Coltongadkins View Post
    I guess i'll be the jerk here, I didn't see the contest, but from my perspective a fairly good story.

    Now for the critique, only thing I found wrong was the ending, why split his head like a watermelon? It is different from most war stories, where the last thing the main character sees or feels is the soft caress of death inviting his tired soul and body to slip into the darkness in a gentle and peaceful slumber, from which they'll never wake. Here it was a little sudden, instead of the enemy pressing in on him enough to finally turn him into hamburger meat, or an archer arrow (maybe a sword) piercing his heart or gut allowing him to slowly fade into death, he was split like a pecan, lol maybe doctor the ending a little, but otherwise a good story.
    thank you colton! Allow me to explain:

    Basically, the heroic slow death is the entire story. Think about when you run into a group of mobs - youre constantly getting hit. Its the same way here (youll notice theres a line saying theres a thousand cuts in his armor, basically he is getting hit constantly from all sides but his armor is absorbing the attacks, full plate ftw!) so by the time he finally gets brought down, hes been hit a ton of times, and the splitting of his skull is a mercy. He did his heroic duty, saved the day, and took a buttload of undead with him then died a quick, clean death (being hit with a sword or spear and slowly bleeding out is a bad and painful way to go).

    On a more practical note, i only had 500 words to work with (though one of the winners went way over that), and the overall theme for the story is sacrificing yourself to save others. Thank you very much for the comment!!

    Also, i just realized this thread is in the wrong place! I could have sworn there was a story's forum but couldnt find it when i posted this! Maybe a board moderator could move this for me? Or if its ok to be left here thats more than ok with me.

    On a side note, any chance this could be posted on the PL facebook

    im thinking of offering my writing services for a small fee, immortalising your character forever in an epic story written by me and directed by you . I'd like to know if there's any interest in this, so I'll probably post another thread with another short story to gauge peoples interest. I take alot of pride in my writing so you can be rest assured any story I write for a commision will be top notch (this would be paid in gold btw, based on the length of the story).

    Thanks for reading! I've rambled on long enough.
    o_O
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    o_O IGN: Gotrocks/Gotstorms/Gotguns

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