28 Oct 2015
-- Transmission from True --
Dear everyone. I'm writing this posthumously (lol). I've honoured my word and haven't played the game since I deleted my avatars. However despite having kept my silence all this time, I do feel that I should at least post something private.. to give a bit of closure to anyone who's searching for it.. and to speak up for those who supported me. In doing so I'm speaking up for myself as well. I've Chosen (xD) to post it here, for those who sometimes look back in nostalgia.. coz this is mainly for you, not to gain attention from the "public" obviously. Yup, it really *is* me.
I haven't thanked you all for a wonderful time - Thank you, for gifting me the best time of my gaming life. Those from Five Elements, we were 300-strong and we stuck together all the way to the very end. I wish I could personally hug you all for believing in me, all through the leaderboard saga. From the bottom of my heart, I wish to thank you for choosing me to be your leader, and refusing to leave my side. I've been told of some nasty comments ranging from you were somehow "paid" to stay.. and I realize that you went through a lot to be with me. By staying with me, you stood up for me. For us. You really believed in us. You.. are just amazeballs.
Looking back, I think we had something really special. You see, unlike an organization, a guild is made up of people who really have no direct survival incentive to stick together. That's why guild hopping is such a big problem for many guilds. It wasn't the case for us, and I think that really says something.
AL is a really small game. I think we did well all considering. Some of the things we went through were phenomenal, I think many people couldn't believe it when we kept recovering, because there were people out there who really wanted us to fail. But probably just as many were secretly rooting for us and quietly helped so they wouldn't risk the wrath of the vampiric "crazies". Even though I enjoyed tremendous support from you all , from the game's "underdogs" and the clued up gamers, my social messages and activism did not go down well with game management and the players who like getting fat from the privileged insider info. I'm grateful and thrilled that we all came together, and stuck together, so naturally, without needing to involve item/gold giveaways to bribe anyone to stay, without needing manipulation. There are certain individuals who seem to have this unhealthy burning need to keep bringing us up as some kind of comparison, well it just goes to show that those people have big chip on their shoulders eh.Maybe *they're* the ones who have been giving out expensive gear to keep people in guild. Guess they feel threatened by a genuine thing.
Think about it this way. When a guild of our size splits, people usually don't want to follow the leader anymore. But after the split, everyone that was 5E came along with us (all officers, most members), plus some AJ. Average Joes was great. Silent Assault was a mistake. We didn't need their drama, and they didn't help out and really dragged us down with these heavy issues they brought over. The kid that they got outraged over, apparently after using him as an excuse to force a split, they kicked him from the split-off guild later too. I received reports from a lot of you towards the end that you were being talked down to. Clearly we were stronger on our own.. you guys said as much. After the split, we had a chance to rebuild but by then I had put my retirement off too long. It had been 2 years of gaming for me, I had planned to quit around after Goblin so I could continue creating my life's work. Later at a 5E officer's request I decided it would be after Ursoth.
Letting go of what I had was a very difficult decision for me. And you know me by now, I'm not one of those players that posts a dramatic quit message and then still keeps coming back to play every 2 weeks/months. My focus is laser-sharp. I do what I say and it's never half-arsed - all or nothing. Yes I had timed run friends. I had inventories. But mostly, I had you.
After the split, an officer from one of the other guilds felt compelled to come to me. He said that in all his years of gaming, he had never seen such loyalty and complete cohesion in a group. He said, that it was mindblowing to watch. That's what we had. I will always cherish it. Because you, my dear friends, gave me the courage to follow my dream and become what I'd always wanted to be, but had my own doubts about whether my work would be meaningful considering the state of the world. You showed me that no matter how my art was received, even if there were negative or ignorant reactions and misinterpretations, I had nothing to fear. I would have virtually endless support of many good people like yourselves. You helped show me what was real.
Although we spent much time together, I've never shared who I am, not because I don't trust you or am being snooty; It's because there were more important things I wanted to bring focus to. Most times, I've just felt content to hang back and say little or nothing, simply enjoy the present moment with you. That's the kind of uncomplicated friendships I had as a child, and I like those kinds of friendships. I like that we didn't confuse the usual adult issues with "growing up".
Right now I'm sitting in a room of chocobos with a handmade streetsign "rue de chocobo", and a desk I rehashed from scrap material. And I'm working on some personal projects, one of which is my first graphic novel. Piecing together my blog. Following my childhood dreams!I used to self-publish comic books when I was 11, about 50 of them. The themes were existential, questioning war of "races" and social conditioning. They got quite popular at school. But when I got into my 20s, the world was a bit different - the trap of a glamorous world. It didn't help that I was welcomed there. I was engaged to a fashion photographer then. I called off the wedding and got myself a job that paid me to travel the world. Then I
I was very much a social butterfly in my 20s and got a lot of opportunities. But later I withdrew from that to rethink my life, some part of me was calling me back to my real passion and well, going into AL was a small part of that journey. The way I ran in Arcane Legends events was a bit like how I went through school. Usually asleep (afk), helping others out or working on things I might publish, never caring to do homework (my own AP). Then once in a blue moon I'll wake up for the quiz/test/competition and people will sometimes ask if I cheated, just because it was so "stealth", I came out of nowhere (incidentally, I like Metal Gear Solid). But those at school learned to embrace my talents, they had my best interests at heart. Many of those in AL did not. Some reactions were so exaggerated I wondered if they had real-life mental issues. Maybe they need to get out more and see the world.
I think that the people who called the way I ran events "unhealthy" should just admit they have no clue what they're on about. Why should I explain that I was heavily involved in debate, theatre and track & field (timed runner, geddit? haw haw), placed in a couple of video game competitions, and have trophies for all of those. I can't be expected to be responsible for someone else's inability to take care of themselves. Some of them should just admit they made bad judgements. Others, simply aren't cut out for gaming and should go write for the tabloids. xD Or pay a therapist to solve their emotional problems, don't look at me I'm not doing it for free. :P
Anyway, I hope that all of you are out there living fulfilled lives, on your own terms.. I want you to know that you've all made a difference in my life, that I am better for it.
Yours, True.
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