Official Joke Thread

[Artentreri]

Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than standing up.






Dealing with a lawyer

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to hell."

[Gaunab]

Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than standing up.

11. You can't count down from ten correctly.

[Yaranas]

Lol! That's pretty good.

[Artentreri]

11. You can't count down from ten correctly.

12, actually.

[Xionskull]

I used to tell high quality jokes, then I took an arrow to the ==))=(Knee)====>

oh wow ;(~stealer

[Xionskull]

Yo mamas so poor, I mean your momma is so poor, I walked in the front door, lit a match as it fell to the floor. Cockroaches came out of the walls saying "clap your hands! Stomp your feet! Praise the lord we got heat!

dude, well hehehe...

Yo momma is so fat she took a spoon to the super bowl.

[Xionskull]

Ahhhh this is my thread (all my jokes are ones I use every day, I'm not searching the net)

[Xionskull]

Ok so...

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin...

The horses descendants are now known as giraffes. (LAUGH OUT LOUD)

[Xionskull]

Ok so...

When Chuck Norris does push ups...

He doesn't go down... The earth does.

[Xionskull]

Ok so... (long but epic must read)

A boy goes to school one morning, and the teacher asks him to say the first four letters of the alphabet. He replies saying, "I dunno." The teacher then goes on to say if you don't know them by tomorrow morning no recess for you.

That afternoon, the boy goes to his mom, who is washing dishes, and says "what is the first letter of the alphabet?" she (being stressed and not feeling well that day) replies by saying, "oh be quiet!" satisfied the boy goes into the next room to his dad who is absorbed in the tv (watching football of course) and the boy asks "what's the second letter of the alphabet?" the dad seeing that his team scored, jumps up and shouts "yes!!" satisfied the boy goes to the next room to his older sister (who is watching 101 dalmatians) and asks "what's the third letter of the alphabet?" not concentrating the girl says dumbly "101." satisfied the boy goes to the next room to his other lazy family member, his younger bro, who is watching batman, and asks "what's the fourth letter of the alphabet?" the kid just reports; "dunna dunna batman!!" satisfied the boy goes to bed.

The next day at school the teacher asks "so can you please start by saying the first letter of the alphabet?" "oh be quiet!" the boy remarks rudely, angered the teacher asks "do you want to principles office!!!" "Yes!!!" the boy replies. The crazed teacher says "how many spankings do you want!!" again with pride the boy says "101." the maddened teacher then asks "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!!???!!!" the boy remarks "dunna dunna batman!"


De end (mostly for the boy

[ArtStar]

I like the creativity. Ha ha

[Artentreri]

You know you can edit your posts right? Like, add more to one instead of having to post six times.

[Gaunab]

12, actually.

touché

[Artentreri]

touché

Got a little captain in ye?

[Gaunab]

Got a little captain in ye?

Aye!

[Swords]

I feel so wierd when i see chickens eating chicken nuggets -_-

[ArtStar]

I'm so broke I can't pay attention.

[Pokechmp]

knock knock
whos there?
smell mop
smell mop who?
no, i dont wanna

[Pokechmp]

OK a foreign dude goes to america knowing no english, so he tries to catch on. He walks into a singing court and hears "memememememeeeeeee..." He walks into a park and hears a kid yell "he stole my lollipop!" He goes into a restraunt and hears "forks and knives, forks and knives!" He then walks into an electronics shop and hears "plug it in, plug it in!" The he sees a dead body with a policeman by it. The policeman yells "who killed this guy?!" The dude says "memememememeeeeeee...". The policeman says "why did you do it?" The foreign dude replies "he stole my lollipop!" "What did you kill him with?" the policeman asks. The dude says "forks and knives, forks and knives!" The police takes the dude to the station and sits him on an electric chair. "Any last words?" the policeman says. The foreign dude happily replies "plug it in, plug it in!"

[Xionskull]

OK a foreign dude goes to america knowing no english, so he tries to catch on. He walks into a singing court and hears "memememememeeeeeee..." He walks into a park and hears a kid yell "he stole my lollipop!" He goes into a restraunt and hears "forks and knives, forks and knives!" He then walks into an electronics shop and hears "plug it in, plug it in!" The he sees a dead body with a policeman by it. The policeman yells "who killed this guy?!" The dude says "memememememeeeeeee...". The policeman says "why did you do it?" The foreign dude replies "he stole my lollipop!" "What did you kill him with?" the policeman asks. The dude says "forks and knives, forks and knives!" The police takes the dude to the station and sits him on an electric chair. "Any last words?" the policeman says. The foreign dude happily replies "plug it in, plug it in!"

<LAUGH OUT LOUD> I always love that one. Btw it smells so much like up dog in here